


Come and Lie

by Kihyunie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: ??? i don't fucking know anymore, Angst, Changkyun is rich, Cheating, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Emotionally Repressed Kihyun, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Kihyun isn't, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Self-Worth Issues, Slow Build, Strangers with benefits, adding tags as I go, mentions of drug abuse, not that slow but shh, sexual favours, slight Manipulation, sorry i suck at writing smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-03-22 06:46:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: Kihyun pulls back a little to look at Changkyun. His pupils are so blown that Changkyun wonders if he’s on something. ‘Do you want to fuck?’Kihyun is so alluring, enticing in a way that screams dangerous, but there’s something incredibly sad about the way he says it, something irreparable in the bluntness of his words, stripped of emotion. Changkyun can see it even through the haze.But Changkyun was never able to say no to beautiful things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> there's some very mild implied non-con in here, so be careful
> 
> this is a mess tbh but I hope you like it anyway~

Changkyun is a content person. He has a nice apartment in the centre of Seoul, a well-paid job, a lovely girlfriend. Life is treating him well; he worries about things like what kind of tie he should wear to work and which restaurants to eat at.

Really, he can’t complain.

And yet he’s here, in this club, knocking back beer after beer until the people around him seem less like people.

‘Girls are difficult, man,’ the blond guy – Minhyuk – says next to Changkyun, nursing his drink. ‘That’s why I stick to guys.’

Changkyun guesses that's fair. He wasted at least half of his life pretending to be straight. He’s still doing it sometimes, when he’s with people he doesn’t know well, but this Minhyuk, who was a stranger until ten minutes ago, has already told him his own deepest darkest secrets.

‘Girls are nice. People just fight sometimes,’ Changkyun says. People like him.

Changkyun is content, but is he really happy?

He and Yeri, his girlfriend, fought about something today. He can’t even remember what. The alcohol tells him it doesn’t matter and it’s a very convincing voice.

‘Well, you’re here now instead of apologising to her,’ Minhyuk says.

Changkyun doesn’t remember telling Minhyuk this story but that’s what must have happened. The pulsing bass of the music vibrates in his sternum and makes him feel light-headed, like a piece of wood on an untamed sea. There are a lot of people out here tonight and Changkyun remembers his college days when he used to go out every third day, getting drunk and high and laid. Everything was so simple back then. To be fair, everything started simple with Yeri, too, but being a grownup is exhausting on the best of days. Even money can't change that.

When Changkyun’s vision clears back into focus Minhyuk is gone, a different guy standing in his place now. He’s leaning over the bar, animatedly talking to the bartender, and he glances at Changkyun when he notices him looking.

Changkyun knows it’s rude to stare at strangers but he can’t look away.

The guy is about Changkyun’s own height, dressed in tight black jeans and an equally dark shirt. There’s a choker around his neck and smudged eyeliner around his lash line. His face is made of sharp angles and gentle lines, with silver hair falling over his forehead in soft strands.

The stranger smiles and the world spins.

‘Hey there, hot shot,’ the stranger says. His voice is low and smooth and Changkyun finds it increasingly difficult to think clearly. ‘Want another drink?’

Changkyun nods. The guy hands him a shot glass not much later and they knock back together. The alcohol feels like fire in Changkyun’s stomach but not the kind that kills you.

‘What’s your name?’ the stranger asks.

‘Changkyun.’

‘Nice to meet you, Changkyun. I'm Kihyun.’

Changkyun watches Kihyun trace the rim of his glass, collecting a drop and licking it off his finger languidly. Changkyun’s breath stutters.

Kihyun must have noticed it. He smirks and slides closer. He smells like mint, grapefruit, and a little bit like sweat. Changkyun can see two little moles on the side of his neck and thinks about what it would be like to kiss them.

‘What are you doing here, Changkyun?’ Kihyun asks, voice lower now. Changkyun has to lean in to hear him and his breath is hot on his skin. ‘All by your lonesome? You look like someone who should be somewhere else.’

Changkyun wants to say that Kihyun looks like someone who belongs in a wet dream, but the truth in Kihyun’s words stops him.

‘Can you read minds?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun smiles. ‘I’ve met so many people that it’s easy to see patterns.’

He lifts his hand to run his fingers over Changkyun’s shoulder and that’s all it takes. Suddenly Changkyun is kissing him and Kihyun reacts like he was waiting for it, slipping his tongue into Changkyun’s mouth and pressing back. There’s a warning bell going off in Changkyun’s head but whatever drink Kihyun gave him drowns out the noise and when Kihyun bites his bottom lip it eventually falls silent.

‘You’re beautiful,’ Changkyun breathes when Kihyun mouths along his jaw.

‘Why, thank you.’

‘And good. So good.’

Kihyun pulls back a little to look at Changkyun. His pupils are so blown that Changkyun wonders if he’s on something. ‘Do you want to fuck?’

Kihyun is so alluring, enticing in a way that screams dangerous, but there’s something incredibly sad about the way he says it, something irreparable in the bluntness of his words, stripped of emotion. Changkyun can see it even through the haze.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ he asks.

Kihyun laughs. That’s beautiful, too. ‘Of course. But this is about you, baby. What do you need?’

Changkyun has never seen anyone who looked more like temptation. There's no way he'll get out of this, even though he knows he should. He doesn't want to. He was never able to say no to beautiful things. ‘Whatever you wanna give me.’

‘I can give you anything.’ Kihyun takes Changkyun by the wrist and drags him away from the bar, through the crowd and down a long dark hallway until they reach some sort of lounge. No one else is here and Kihyun pushes Changkyun on one of the couches after locking the door, coming up to straddle him.

‘Think of what you want,’ Kihyun says. ‘Otherwise _I’ll_ think of something.’

Changkyun runs his hands over Kihyun’s thighs where the fabric of his jeans pulls taut. He can feel Kihyun’s ass on his crotch, how Kihyun drags his hips so, so slowly against his clothed erection that it’s both delicious and frustrating.

Kihyun leans down to bite at Changkyun’s neck until he groans.

‘Don’t be shy,’ Kihyun whispers. ‘Anything goes.’

 

Changkyun wonders how a person can have such a severe mood swing over the course of a few minutes. Not too long ago he felt incredible, full of white electricity, which probably wasn’t difficult to achieve when someone as captivating as Kihyun was the one riding you.

But now Changkyun just feels like shit, the guilt so palpable as though it’s a physical creature sitting on his chest and weighing him down. Because Yeri probably sits at home, waiting for him to come back, maybe planning to talk through whatever it was that happened earlier, planning to fix things like she always does.

And Changkyun just went and slept with the first person available, like he forgot he was in a relationship.

(Maybe he did.)

‘What’s wrong?’ Kihyun asks and throws away the last tissue, lying back down next to Changkyun. He’s already wearing his underwear and shirt again while Changkyun is still too boneless to even get up.

‘I just - I cheated on my girlfriend,’ Changkyun says miserably.

Nothing about Kihyun’s neutral expression changes. Like he expected it. Or like he doesn’t care.

‘I’m such a terrible person,’ Changkyun continues. ‘I’ll never be able to apologise for this, I just – I just fucked up my relationship because I _cheated_ , oh god.’

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. ‘With me? I don’t count.’

Changkyun stares at him. He’s pretty sure he didn’t dream up the part of them fucking on this very couch. He can still see the mark where he bit Kihyun’s throat. ‘What?’

‘Tell her I seduced you or something,’ Kihyun says, unfazed. ‘I’m just a slut.’

There’s the sadness again. Changkyun can’t find anything to say at first and Kihyun gets up. For a brief weird moment Changkyun thinks he’s going to ask for payment but he doesn’t; instead he turns in the door, says, ‘Trust me, baby, you’ll be okay,’ and leaves.

Changkyun lies in the dark room for a moment longer, asking himself what the fuck just happened.

 

Yeri isn’t home when Changkyun gets there and for some reason that makes him feel a tiny bit better. This way he can procrastinate the conversation ahead. Or the breakup.

Really, what kind of asshole is he? He wishes he could say something to his defence, how it was impossible for him to say no to Kihyun, but truthfully he didn’t even try. He didn’t even think of Yeri once that shot of whatever Kihyun gave him reached his system. He has no excuses and he knows it and that will be the end of it.

And Changkyun feels terrible, he really does, and he regrets everything he’s done this evening, but there’s something else, too. He thinks of Kihyun’s ‘I’m just a slut’, and the emotionless way he’s looked at Changkyun, like he was so detached from everything. Changkyun can’t even remember if he got off.

It’s kind of sad that people like that walk around clubs, offering themselves to strangers to do whatever they want. People like Kihyun, who look like they deserve something _more_.

But Changkyun has other things to worry about and he’s probably never going to see Kihyun again, anyway.

 

Yeri slept in the living room but they meet each other at the coffee machine the next morning, when they are both getting ready for work. The guilt and the shame nearly choke Changkyun and the confession gets stuck somewhere behind his weak ‘good morning.’

Yeri greets him back but makes no attempts to fix anything. Maybe this is more serious than Changkyun thought.

 

‘There was a boy at the club last night,’ Changkyun says. ‘About my height, silver hair, dressed in black. Do you know him?’

Jooheon squints at him. ‘Didn’t realise you stuck around. I left because I thought you were already gone.’

‘I didn’t mean to but it happened. So do you?’

‘Don’t think so. Why?’

Changkyun thinks of lying but this is his best friend. They hit the bar after work because Jooheon is wild like that and because Changkyun has nothing to go home to. He puts is face in his hands. ‘I cheated on Yeri. With that guy.’

‘You _what_?!’ Jooheon gapes at him. ‘And you’re asking me if I know him instead of going home to get things right?’

‘There’s nothing to get right. It’s over. We fought before and now I did this and once I tell her it’s going to be the end.’ The misery of his situation hits Changkyun then and there and makes it difficult not to cry.

‘Jesus. You’re an asshole, Changkyun,’ Jooheon says as though he’s just discovered the news. Changkyun feels sick.

‘I know.’

‘Do yourself a favour and talk to Yeri before you do anything else. And don’t go looking for that guy.’

‘How am I going to tell her?’ Changkyun asks. ‘I – I couldn’t get it out this morning.’

‘Dude, you owe her at least that. Get your shit together. Jesus.’

 

‘I feel like we should talk,’ Yeri says, sweeping her hair over her shoulder. ‘We’ve both cooled down enough to have a civilised conversation, haven’t we?’

Changkyun nods carefully. ‘I’m sorry for throwing that plate.’

‘I’m sorry for throwing that cup. And for saying that you’re nothing but a rich guy with high expectations and unreasonable standards.’

‘I’m sorry, too.’

They look at each other and Yeri’s eyes are so soft and gentle. Changkyun knows she’s ready to forgive him and he knows this is the moment to tell her but he doesn’t. He can’t. He chokes up and his body freezes and he feels like he’s going to puke –

Yeri gets up from where she’s sitting on the couch and comes over to sit on Changkyun’s lap. ‘We’re both stubborn idiots,’ she says. ‘But maybe that’s why we work so well.’

Changkyun closes his eyes, so that she can’t see the shame. She kisses him and he kisses her and he hopes the marks on his collarbones have faded by now.

 

Changkyun handles his emotions in the worst way possible, which is by going to the club in hopes that Kihyun will be there. It has been exactly one week since he’s cheated and one week of conflicting feelings and stress and guilt. Changkyun hasn’t slept properly and Yeri’s starting to notice that things are off with him. He blamed it on work when she asked today and he told her he’s doing overtime.

He’s not only a cheater but also a liar now.

And it’s so unlikely that Kihyun will be here. But maybe someone else is. Someone who doesn’t know Changkyun, someone he could just talk to because nothing he says would ever matter to them. And outsider of his life. A listener.

‘Hey, hot shot,’ a familiar voice says and Changkyun turns, heart is his throat.

Tonight Kihyun is wearing white ripped jeans and a greyish button-down that’s become half untucked. There’s a hint of a smile on his face and the same fire in his eyes as the last time Changkyun has seen him and Changkyun is drawn to him like a moth to a flame. He already knows he’s lost.

‘Has your girlfriend ditched you?’ Kihyun asks and reaches out to brush a finger over Changkyun’s hand. ‘Do you need a distraction?’

Oh, Changkyun does. He needs Kihyun’s hands on his body and maybe his dick in his mouth. He needs to forget these brutal emotions, just for a while, just for tonight.

‘Didn’t think I’d see you again,’ Changkyun says instead.

‘I work here,’ Kihyun says. ‘You didn’t know?’

‘As what?’

‘Shot boy, thief of hearts, part-time bartender. Whatever needs to be done,’ Kihyun says breezily and steps closer. ‘Always there to make sure our customers are happy.’

He really does make himself sound like a prostitute but Changkyun feels like it’s rude to ask.

‘Want me to make you happy?’ Kihyun reaches out and dips his thumb into Changkyun’s waistband.

Changkyun wants to give in so badly but he also want to talk, wants to know more, wants to hear why Kihyun gives himself away like this.

‘Last time you said anything goes,’ Changkyun says.

‘Yeah. Did you finally think of something?’

‘I… can we just talk?’

There’s a little crease between Kihyun’s eyebrows when he frowns. ‘That’s not what I meant with anything. You don’t want me to get you off?’

‘God, I do, but…’

‘Too many words,’ Kihyun says, leaning in, and his breath fans hot over Changkyun’s cheek. ‘Too many thoughts. Let me do this for you and then we’ll see, alright?’

So Changkyun lets himself be dragged along. They go upstairs through a door that says ‘staff only’, this time to a room with a bed, a drawer and a small window that Kihyun hides behind dark curtains.

‘Do you live here?’ Changkyun asks. He hopes Kihyun says no. The room is sad and empty, paint peeling of the walls and spider webs hanging in the ceiling corners.

‘Take off your clothes,’ Kihyun commands and throws off his own shirt. ‘And think about what you want me to do.’

‘I don’t… I don’t know.’

Kihyun crawls onto the bed, naked now, hovering above Changkyun. He makes quick work of Changkyun’s clothes and runs his hands over the soft inside of his thigh until Changkyun shivers. ‘Think about what you never get to do to your girlfriend. Something she’s never willing to do to you. Whatever it is, I can do it.’

‘Why do you do this?’ Changkyun asks and tries to choke back a moan when Kihyun strokes him.

‘Because I like it,’ Kihyun says. ‘Come on. Do you want me to do _this_ forever?’

Kihyun slows his hand, dragging it up and down loosely, and it’s not enough.

‘God – fuck me,’ Changkyun breathes out. He didn’t realise that’s what he needed but now the thought is there.

Kihyun looks up at him through his lashes, eyes black, and smirks. Changkyun is sure he’ll never be able to forget this picture. ‘Good boy.’

Changkyun groans.

 

Changkyun tries to stay focused this time, tries to pay attention to find out if this is really fun for Kihyun, but Kihyun teases him open so slowly that he’s sure he’s going to lose his mind. It’s been years since someone did this and it’s so much more intense than Changkyun remembers, and when Kihyun finally pushes in there is not a single coherent thought left in his brain. Changkyun feels like someone poured liquid fire into his veins and he has half the mind to wonder if Yeri ever made him feel this way before everything breaks into white static.

Reality bleeds back, blurry around the edges. Changkyun slowly comes back to himself and notices Kihyun sitting next to him, jerking himself off.

‘Hey,’ Changkyun says. ‘Why didn’t you come?’

Kihyun stops to look at him. ‘You just blacked out a little. That would have been overstimulation.’

‘Let me get you off.’ Changkyun asks and rolls to his side. He already feels the bruises Kihyun left on his hips.

‘This is about you,’ Kihyun says softly.

‘But I want to.’

Kihyun seems to fight with himself for a moment before turning toward Changkyun. ‘Do whatever you want.’

So Changkyun does.

 

‘Do you do this for everyone?’ Changkyun asks. They are both lying on their backs but Changkyun can feel Kihyun thinking about leaving. He’s eyeing the pile of clothing on the floor like he’s getting ready to bold.

‘Not everyone,’ Kihyun says.

‘But a lot of people? Why?’

‘You ask a lot of questions, Changkyun.’

‘You can ask me things, too.’

‘But I don’t care.’

That smarts a little and Changkyun isn’t sure why. ‘I’m just trying to understand you.’

Kihyun smiles. ‘Have fun with that. If we’re going to talk it’s going to be about you, baby. So say what you wanna get rid of.’

Changkyun figures that’s all he’s going to get today, so he does. He spills every worry and every feeling and every shitty lie he’s told Yeri, tells Kihyun how he shouldn’t be here but why he is anyway. And Kihyun is exactly what Changkyun needs him to be: an outsider, a listener. He doesn’t offer suggestions or gives Changkyun opinions, only takes it all in. When Changkyun is done, tired and empty, Kihyun gets up to put his clothes back on.

‘What days do you work here?’ Changkyun says drowsily.

Kihyun grins. ‘Planning on seeing me again? Am I your little secret?’

Changkyun hates himself. ‘If that’s okay for you.’

‘Tuesdays and from Friday to Sunday. Are you going to get up? I have to lock this room.’

Maybe Kihyun does live here after all. Changkyun gets dressed with a little struggle while Kihyun waits for him by the door. Changkyun wants to kiss him so badly but he feels like that would be something too intimate, too innocent. He figures that’s not something Kihyun would allow.

‘Take a picture, it will last longer,’ Kihyun says and winks, then leads Changkyun downstairs after locking the door. The noise and smells of the party envelope Changkyun in an uncomfortable stuffy blanket and before he can say goodbye to Kihyun he’s already lost him in the crowd.

 

‘Bro, I know it’s not my life, but you really need to figure this shit out,’ Jooheon says, eyes on the road. The familiar buildings pass by in a swirl of colour and light, and it eases Changkyun's anxiety just a little bit.

‘I know. I just hate conflicts and I’m weak and terrible and ugh.’

‘Stop with the self-deprecation and actually do something, dammit.’

Of course Jooheon is right. Yeri thinks Changkyun is overworking himself and puts extra care into every dinner she makes, in every date night they go on, and Changkyun pays her back by thinking of Kihyun and how he looked at him with every desire Changkyun ever had spelled out in his eyes.

And tomorrow is Friday and Changkyun knows exactly where he’s going to go, doesn’t even try to distract himself anymore. He doesn’t tell Jooheon, though. He already knows too much.

‘Set yourself a deadline,’ Jooheon advises. ‘Like, by then and then you have to tell her. I could pressure you with something.’

Changkyun made his fair share of experiences with deadlines back at college and it never really went well. He agrees anyway, because maybe this time it’s important enough.

 

Changkyun feels like he’s living his sex life veraciously though Kihyun. He's had him on his hands and knees today, then let Kihyun fuck his face – none of which are things Yeri would have ever let him do to her. And that was fine, before. Changkyun never felt like he was missing anything. He always thought he was content.

Content. But maybe not happy.

But it’s being irrational, thinking someone like Kihyun could be the key to happiness. Kihyun is carrying something around, like everyone, and this something must be ugly if Kihyun goes these lengths to hide it. Changkyun never gets anything out of him and while that’s fine it makes him curious, too.

And sad. Changkyun can see the emptiness in Kihyun’s eyes, sometimes when he thinks Changkyun isn’t paying attention. It’s a kind of vacated stare as though Kihyun’s mind shut down. It makes Changkyun almost feel bad for the physicality of their acquaintanceship, though Kihyun insists that this is all they are.

It’s hard, though, when Kihyun lets Changkyun use him like he’s nothing more than an object and Changkyun can’t help but be overwhelmed with his whole situation. Every time he goes home after seeing Kihyun he feels so dirty and yet he comes back every week to seek him out again. Sometimes Kihyun is already waiting for him.

‘Hey,’ Kihyun says softly now, dragging Changkyun up by his hair. ‘It’s okay.’

Changkyun didn’t even notice that he was crying, but now he can feel it in his chest; the guilt, the sobs that won’t come out, the words he couldn’t say to Yeri.

‘I’m sorry,’ Changkyun says thickly.

‘Don’t apologise to me,’ Kihyun says. ‘If you want to stop doing this just tell me.’

But Changkyun doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t want to lose Yeri and he doesn’t want to stop seeing Kihyun, either, and he knows there’s a decision on the horizon – except it isn’t his decision. It’s going to be Yeri’s and he already knows her choice. She’s too good of a person to stick with scum like him.

That’s what he is now: scum. He tells Kihyun this and Kihyun laughs a little.

‘If you’re scum, then what does that make me?’

It’s such a bare confession that it shocks both of them into silence. Kihyun’s eyes widen a little but he catches himself way faster than Changkyun does.

‘I sleep around for fun,’ Kihyun says hesitantly. ‘And I never ask if the people I sleep with are married or taken or anything. I don’t care. That’s all.’

Changkyun feels like the explanation is somewhere in Kihyun’s dark gaze and he can’t quite make it out. _I do this because I need to feel something_ , might be what he’s really saying. Or maybe it _is_ just fun. Maybe Kihyun is just one of those people who need someone else to touch them.

‘Don’t put yourself down,’ Changkyun says and he can literally see Kihyun close him out. Something in his eyes gets colder and he gets up, slipping out from under Changkyun’s hands.

‘Don’t worry, Changkyun.’ Kihyun pulls his shirt over his head and winks. ‘I know my worth.’

But that sentence doesn’t really say anything because it can be interpreted in different ways and Changkyun still thinks about this long after Kihyun left him in the lounge. He wonders if Kihyun ever picks up another person whenever they are done. He wonders if Kihyun says the same things to all the others, too.

 

It’s been five weeks since Changkyun first talked to Kihyun and while that’s definitely too long a time to tell Yeri it’s better late than never, right? He’s missed Jooheon’s deadline but he’s going to do it now, and then he’s going to get smashed and hopefully passes out somewhere. Maybe he’s going to see Kihyun. Anything to forget this awful feeling that’s been eating him alive.

‘Spit it out,’ Yeri says, swirling her red wine. They are sitting on their couch. Yeri has her legs crossed in front of her and she looks beautiful, really, despite her frown. Changkyun remembers exactly what it felt like to fall in love with her. He remembers how nervous he’d been when he asked her for her number, and how she’d smiled at him. But there’s no good in remembering these things if they’re unrelated to the present. Changkyun feels terrible for having to break her heart like this and a part of him still appreciates her deeply, but the bigger part knows he hasn’t been in love with her for a while. And she knows that, too, hasn’t loved him back in a while, either. Maybe, for the long run, this is the smarter decision.

‘I cheated on you,’ Changkyun says eventually. He doesn’t want to look at her but he can’t make himself look away, either. ‘I’m really, really sorry for what happened and I know it’s not fair and I know I’m an asshole. So I’m telling you now.’

Yeri stares at him for a moment, then turns to check the calendar like there’s an appointment for Make a Fool Out Of Yeri. There isn’t. And it’s not the first of April, either.

‘This isn’t funny, Changykyun,’ she says but she already knows he’s not lying. There are angry tears collecting in her eyes and when she blinks they spill over.

‘I’m sorry,’ Changkyun says again. Like it fixes anything. It hurts so bad to see her like this because of him and his mistakes but at the same time it’s so incredibly relieving to finally say it out loud.

‘Do I know her?’ Yeri’s voice slices through him like ice.

Changkyun shakes his head. ‘This isn’t meant as an excuse or anything, but you know, we fought and I got drunk and things just – they just kind of escalated. I’m sorry. I know you don’t deserve this.’

‘That’s fucking right – wait. After we fought? Changkyun, that was over a _month_ ago. You – when were you going to tell me?’

‘It was – it was so hard to say it out –’

‘ _Fuck_ you,’ she shouts. ‘Fuck. You. Is that why you always come home late? Why you never touch me? Because you have someone who sucks you off at work, is that it? Is she at least prettier than me? Huh? When did I start not being good enough for you?’

Changkyun has no answers. He’s had this coming, should have used the time to mentally prepare himself for this conflict, but all he did was pretend it wasn’t there.

‘Does she even know I _exist_?’

Changkyun doesn’t say anything.

‘Fucking answer me, you coward.’ Yeri takes her glass and throws it at Changkyun, the wine spilling everywhere. The glass almost hits Changkyun at the brow and shatters somewhere behind him. The short silence that follows is deafening but Yeri isn’t done.

‘If you’re not gonna talk to me get out,’ she snaps, face wet and contorted with betrayal. Changkyun's sure this expression will haunt him until he dies. ‘Get _out_! Get out of my fucking sight, you asshole –’ Her voice breaks and she starts to sob.

Changkyun scrambles, nearly slipping on the spilled wine, snatches his jacket and shoes from the entrance hall, and bolts. When the cool night air breezes over him he realises his face is wet, too.

It’s his apartment but he’s the one who fucked things up. She’ll be gone by the time he comes back, he figures. That will be the end of it.

 

‘Jesus,’ Kihyun says in lieu of a hello. ‘You look like shit.’

It’s almost like they’re friends. Changkyun would like that but Kihyun probably wouldn’t.

‘I told her,’ Changkyun says. He’s already had a few drinks and the ache has been replaced by a dull sensation in his chest. He's not sure if that's an improvement.

‘Good for you,’ Kihyun says. ‘She kicked you out?’

‘Kind of. I’ll give her a few days to get her stuff before I go back.’

Kihyun nods, not really looking like he cares. ‘Alright. What do you want me to do tonight? Do you even want to do anything? You don’t really look like it.’

To be honest, Changkyun wants to just lie in bed with Kihyun, maybe kiss him a little, maybe just feel his frame against Changkyun’s side. He wants to listen to Kihyun’s voice, to the story behind his cold gaze. He wants to find comfort in his presence but Changkyun knows he’d be rejected if he asked Kihyun for that.

‘Can we do what you want? I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what I want. I’m just tired and I’ll overthink everything and it’s just – I really want to go with you but I don’t know what I want you to do. So please just... do something. Whatever.’

Kihyun looks at Changkyun for a long moment, eyes searching but Changkyun doesn’t know what for. ‘I think what you need is to stop thinking. And I think I know how to do that.’

Kihyun does. He always knows what Changkyun needs. Changkyun should blame it on his experience and his people reading skills, but a small part of him whispers something else, something _more_. 

Kihyun takes his time until Changkyun is falling apart for him, but it doesn’t end there. Changkyun can't tell how many times he comes. Kihyun just keeps going and going, and Changkyun floats in and out of consciousness until he’s at the breaking point of what he can take, and that’s when Kihyun stops. Changkyun falls into an exhausted dreamless sleep almost immediately.

 

Changkyun blinks his eyes open. He feels like he slept too long or too little, but someone’s shaking his shoulder and when he squints he can make out Kihyun’s face.

Kihyun?

Changkyun jolts up, looking around. The sad empty room. The curtains are open, a little bit of morning light brightening the sparse furniture.

‘Took you long enough,’ Kihyun says light-heartedly. ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to kick you out now.’

Changkyun spots his clothes on the wooden chair near the window, now neatly folded. Kihyun is wearing a tidy shirt and black slacks, and it makes Changkyun wonder what he does on the days he’s not working in the club.

‘Didn’t mean to fall asleep,’ Changkyun says. ‘Sorry.’

‘No worries.’

Changkyun gets dressed, which is only a little awkward with Kihyun watching him like this, and collects his things. Kihyun is holding the door open for him. Changkyun almost doesn’t notice the bruises on his neck until he’s almost outside.

‘You went out again last night?’ Changkyun asks, surprised. He doesn’t mean to sound jealous or anything, but it comes out sharper than intended. ‘I mean… after what we did?’

Kihyun’s face is a mask. ‘The bed was kind of taken, you see.’

‘So you do live here.’

‘I stay here after work, usually.’

‘Why didn’t you kick me out earlier?’

‘It wasn’t a problem. I had somewhere else to be.’

‘With another person, you mean.’

Kihyun narrows his eyes a little, getting defensive. ‘Yeah.’

‘Okay.’ Changkyun steps out of the room completely. ‘Thank you for letting me stay. Sorry.’

‘No need to apologise, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says breezily but Changkyun knows he’s lost him.

 

‘You talk about this guy an awful lot,’ Jooheon says. ‘You should drop him.’

‘Why? I’m not in a relationship anymore,’ Changkyun says.

Jooheon gapes at him. ‘ _Seriously_?’

‘What?’

‘You – Yeri _just_ left you. Shouldn’t you like, grieve a little or something?’

Like Changkyun doesn't think about it every free minute he has. Like he doesn't dream about Yeri's hurt expression every second night. 

‘ _I am_. Believe me when I say I still feel like shit. But there’s nothing I can do about it now and Kihyun is really nice –’

‘Really good in bed, you mean.’

‘– and takes my mind off of things, which is kind of what I need right now.’ 

(Excuses, excuses.)

‘This will come back to bite you in the ass,’ Jooheon says with a meaningful look, reading Changkyun easily. ‘And I will say that I told you so.’

 

As always Jooheon is right but Changkyun doesn’t bother with letting him know.

He’s with Kihyun but there’s definitely something wrong with him if his winces and general tension are any indication. Kihyun tries to hide it but Changkyun can see that he’s compromising and eventually he pulls away from him.

‘Why’d you stop?’ Kihyun asks, a little breathless. There's colour in his cheeks and the sweat makes his skin shine and Changkyun doesn't think he's ever seen anyone look more ethereal. ‘You okay?’

‘I am but you’re not,’ Changkyun says.

‘Huh?’

‘I can see that you’re hurting. You're not even hard.’

Kihyun makes a non-affirmative noise and tries to pull Changkyun closer again. ‘It’s nothing. Just a little sore.’

‘Sore from what?’

‘What do you think?’

Changkyun pries Kihyun’s hands off his body but doesn’t let him go, either. ‘Who hurt you?’

Kihyun shrugs. ‘It’s not a big deal. It just happens sometimes, you know. Some people actually listen when I say anything goes.’

The breath Changkyun was about to take gets stuck somewhere in his windpipe. He thinks of some guy pinning Kihyun down, of someone doing things to him that Kihyun can’t control. He thinks of how Kihyun always offers Changkyun to do whatever he can’t do with anyone else.

Changkyun feels nauseated just imagining what Kihyun puts himself out for and he doesn’t even know any specifics.

‘Why would you let anyone do that to you?’ Changkyun asks. His eyes travel Kihyun’s body and he sees every purple mark in a different light.

Kihyun doesn’t say anything. Maybe that’s an answer, too. Maybe Kihyun doesn’t really know himself. Changkyun thinks back to the hints he got about Kihyun’s life, how he knows nothing of his past or – or anything, really.

‘Are you just going to look at me all night?’ Kihyun asks finally. ‘Or are you going to get back to fucking me?’

‘I’m not going to do anything when I know it’s painful for you.’

‘Oh Changkyun,’ Kihyun whispers and sneaks a hand out of Changkyun’s hold to run it over Changkyun’s jaw towards his chin. ‘Sweet, gentle Changkyun. But I like a little pain.’

There’s a huge difference between consensually inflicted pain and this – whatever _this_ actually is – and they both know it. Kihyun is just trying to get Changkyun back into familiar waters.

‘I don’t,’ Changkyun says. ‘And I don’t like hurting you, either.’

Kihyun sighs and sits up. ‘If that’s everything I’ll get going, then. There are people out there who would use their time with me wisely, you see.’

‘Don’t go,’ Changkyun says quickly. ‘Please don’t go.’

‘I’m not here for chats.’

‘Then – then we won’t talk. I... just let me blow you instead.’

Kihyun leans back again. ‘You sure?’

Changkyun nods and slides his hands down Kihyun's body, carefully avoiding any bruises. ‘Please.’

 

They are both getting dressed slowly; Changkyun because he’s only going back to an empty hotel room, and Kihyun because every strain in his back seems to ache. Still, Kihyun is done first and waits at the door for him.

‘Here’s something for you to think about before you come see me next time,’ Kihyun says. He looks unreadable now, unapproachable, and Changkyun’s desperate for some sort of explanation. ‘Think about how much you care about this. About me. And if the answer is anywhere between ‘a little’ and ‘too much’, do yourself a favour and don’t come back.’

Before Changkyun can even take a breath for an answer Kihyun pushes him outside and shuts the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> buckle up kids 
> 
> nobody asked but [here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yntfbEfyjVc) [some](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGpk7vt8gN0) [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ky6HfTioqY)

It’s been a week since things ended with Yeri and when Changkyun comes back to his apartment it’s considerably more empty. The coffee machine is gone. So are the kitchen table, the clock, and almost half of the bedroom furniture. Some cupboards are cleared out and she’s taken all her clothes. The wine spill has soaked into the hardwood flooring.

It feels so empty, too.

Changkyun makes a list of everything he’s going to need to buy, then wonders if he should sell and move somewhere else. A fresh start. Maybe leave Seoul and pretend this whole mess never happened, pretend that he’s actually a decent person, pretend that Kihyun is still just a distraction and nothing more.

Except that Changkyun doesn’t really have the time or energy for a move right now. (It has nothing to do with Kihyun, he tells himself.) He’s just going to change a few things around here.

Changkyun thinks of Kihyun, wonders if he would like this apartment. He thinks of how much he cares and that he’s going to ignore it anyway because he wants to see Kihyun again. He’s not going to act on any real feelings here. It’s just that Kihyun is somehow irresistible to Changkyun, even though he knows nothing will come of it.

He wishes he had Kihyun’s number. Or anything at all. Some way to make him real outside of the limited environment of the club.

But he doesn’t and he knows if he’s going to ask he’s just going to get shot down. Kihyun doesn't want him to care but it's late for that and Changkyun knows he won't be able to stay away. But that's his problem. Some day he's going to have to deal with it. Just not now.

 

‘Do you ever go anywhere else with people? Like, their home or something?’ Changkyun asks.

‘What, you have a special place in mind?’ Kihyun asks back.

‘Maybe.’

‘I don’t unless I’m free afterwards. Takes too much time to go back and forth otherwise, you know.’

‘If I came really late next time, would you come home with me?’

Kihyun looks at him as though he’s assessing him.  Maybe he is. ‘Thought you said you didn’t care.’

‘I don’t.’

(A cheater and a liar.)

‘What’s so special about your home, then?’

‘It’s mine. And my bed is better than this one. We wouldn’t have to hurry or be quiet or anything.’

‘And that’s everything?’

‘You can say no.’

‘Tell me what it looks like.’

‘It’s on the 11th floor in the city centre. The night view is incredible through the panorama window, you can see like, half of Seoul.’

Kihyun hums, draws an invisible flower on Changkyun’s stomach with his fingertip. ‘How did a rich sweet guy like you end up here in bed with me, I wonder.’

‘You think I’m sweet?’ Changkyun asks. ‘And you think you don’t deserve this?’

‘That’s not it,’ Kihyun says. ‘I just think we’re from very different worlds.’

‘What does your world look like?’ Changkyun asks carefully.

Kihyun stops drawing and spreads his hand out flat instead. ‘It doesn’t have panorama windows on the 11th floor in the city centre. It has the night view. But not much else.’

‘Seems like we’re not that far apart, then.’

‘You do care,’ Kihyun states, ‘and you shouldn’t, but at least I gave you a warning.’

‘I’m not going to get attached,’ Changkyun says. ‘I’m just asking you if you want to have sex somewhere else for once.’

But he’s not completely honest and he knows Kihyun knows by the look he gives him. But Kihyun seems content with his earlier statement and nods. ‘Fine. Meet me here at two am on Saturday and I’ll go with you.’

Changkyun smiles. It’s going to be a mistake, like everything has been a mistake, but the problem is that it never feels like one until it’s way too late.

  
‘It’s a little messy because I’m adjusting some things,’ Changkyun warns as he leads Kihyun through the entrance hall into the living space. The night view looks amazing like he knew it would and he watches Kihyun’s expression carefully.

Kihyun sweeps his gaze through the room, lingering only on the window and the wine stains on the floor. ‘As long as you have a bedroom I guess the mess doesn’t matter. Unless you want me somewhere else…?’

This gives Changkyun a lot of ideas but he pushes them away for now. ‘Maybe later. Come on.’

Changkyun’s thought about this. He’s thought about what he wants, what Kihyun might want, how Changkyun could possibly get Kihyun to talk about himself. The only answer he’s come up with is that Kihyun needs to be a little more vulnerable and if that means Changkyun has to get him off so often and so well that Kihyun will barely be able to hold a string of thoughts together, Changkyun will do it. He already knows Kihyun will say yes to this because Kihyun has been waiting for Changkyun to find out what he wants to do since day one, always so ready to give himself away if only in the physical sense. It’s unsuspicious. It could work.

What Changkyun didn’t consider was the effect it would have on him to have Kihyun here. He looks so out of context, like he belongs somewhere else entirely, and maybe Kihyun was right when he said they’re from different worlds. Kihyun is illuminated by the moon, the city lights, and the lamp on Changkyun’s nightstand as he takes off his clothes, and he looks absolutely surreal. Changkyun just stares at him for a solid minute, watches how Kihyun’s muscles move and twitch under his smooth skin, how Kihyun impatiently pushes his hair back and then crawls over the covers. Changkyun eventually remembers himself and takes off his clothes, too.

‘You’re not sore anymore, are you?’ he asks and follows Kihyun onto the bed.

Kihyun smirks at him. ‘No. You don’t need to be careful with me tonight.’

‘I wasn’t planning to.’

‘Don’t lie,’ Kihyun says lowly and sucks a mark into Changkyun’s neck. ‘We both know you’re gentle at heart.’

‘I have a few ideas for today, though. How long can you stay?’

‘Until you’re done with me, I guess.’

‘That might take a while.’

Kihyun squirms a little until their hips brush together and they both sigh with relief. Changkyun grinds down, forgetting his point for a moment.

‘If you don’t get started it will only take longer. Tell me about your ideas,’ Kihyun says.

‘We’ll get to that.’ Changkyun scoots down a little, comfortably fitting himself between Kihyun’s legs, so familiar now, and kisses his soft belly right below his navel. 'But I'm going to make you come first.'

 

All things considered, Changkyun’s plan worked pretty well. Kihyun lies on top of him now, loose-jointed and boneless from who knows how many rounds, nipping at Changkyun’s jaw. His eyes are glassy and unfocused, closing on their own accord, and Changkyun can feel how weak his grip on Changkyun’s shoulder is. They both weren’t gentle; the blush on Kihyun’s face and chest is still there, complimented by bite marks and hickeys, his lips swollen and wet.

In other words, he looks completely wrecked.

What Changkyun didn’t think about, though, was how hard it is to stay awake after a thing like this. He’s sure he’s mirroring Kihyun exactly.

‘That was good,’ Kihyun says into Changkyun’s neck. ‘Who knew you had it in you.’

Changkyun had planned so many conversations, had memorised so many questions, but he can’t hold on to them now. ‘You bring out all these things in me.’

‘The good or the bad?’

Changkyun almost laughs. Yeri and Jooheon wouldn’t be able to see anything good about this but Changkyun hasn’t felt this free in a long time. ‘Depends, I guess.’

‘Hm.’

‘Do you only work at the club?’ Changkyun asks, trying to hold the thought through the sluggish haze.

‘You already know the answer, don’t you?’

‘But I don’t know where. As what.’

‘And you don’t need to know.’

‘Is it a secret?’

‘It’s not as special as you think it is.’

‘Can you tell me something else about you? Sometimes I think you’re not real. You’re like a dream. Always there when I need you but I can’t hold on.’

Changkyun feels Kihyun smile. ‘You sap. Aren’t I real enough like this?’

‘No. I don’t even know how old you are.’

‘Something else that’s uninteresting.’

‘Will you ever let me in?’

Kihyun doesn’t answer for a while but pulls back to look at Changkyun. ‘What would I do that for? There’s nothing in it for me. I’m only here for the physical stuff. You _know_ that.’

‘Yeah but… do you never just talk to people? Never ever?’

‘There’re plenty of people I have to talk to at my other job.’

‘Which is?’

‘Something nicer than being a bartender but not as secure.’

‘You’re just making me more curious. What if you tell me this one thing and I’ll leave you alone?’

‘You won’t leave me alone no matter what.’

‘Fair point. I’m just trying to understand you.’

‘Some day you’re going to have to give up on that, baby. There’s nothing to understand. I’m just me.’ Kihyun kisses Changkyun’s jawline and licks into his mouth. Changkyun wonders how Kihyun still has the energy for even this simple thing.

‘Are you scared that people will misunderstand you?’

Kihyun freezes. ‘If anything, I’m worried that people might think they know me when they really don’t and start expecting things from me that I’m not willing to give. That’s the truth. And that’s the most you’ll ever get from me.’

There’s a warning in Kihyun’s voice and Changkyun knows better than to force him to escape, at least for now. So he doesn’t say anything and kisses Kihyun back for a while.

‘Are we done here?’ Kihyun asks eventually. Outside the sun is starting to rise and Changkyun can see how tired Kihyun is.

‘You can sleep here if you want,’ Changkyun says. ‘No strings attached. I’ll take the couch.’

Kihyun frowns slightly. ‘This bed is huge.’

‘So are you staying?’

Kihyun rolls off of Changkyun and grabs a pillow, eyes already closed. They are probably both disgusting and Changkyun’s going to regret not having showered but this feels like a small miracle. ‘Not sure I can walk, so yeah.’

Changkyun’s not sure he can walk, either. He meant to say good night but his eyes fall closed and that’s that.

 

Changkyun feels every muscle in his body ache, even after the shower, but it’s been worth it.

It was strangely disorienting to wake up next to Kihyun this noon, with his face so close to Changkyun’s, so relaxed. He’d looked just like a boy then, so unaffected by the world. He’d been awake when Changkyun got out of the bathroom and is taking a shower now.

Changkyun doesn’t want him to leave.

The door creaks and Changkyun turns around. Kihyun pads through the room, barefoot, a towel wrapped around his waist. It feels different to see him without clothes like this. More private somehow.

‘Do you want breakfast?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun seems torn, a crease appearing between his brows. Changkyun fears he asked for too much, that Kihyun considers this too personal, too domestic, another attempt to step over the line. Maybe it is. Maybe Changkyun just cares too much.

‘Just coffee for now,’ Kihyun says and makes a beeline for the bedroom.

It feels like a win.

 

They sit at Changkyun’s breakfast bar, facing the panorama window. Outside, the tall buildings of Seoul look fuzzy through the smog and drizzle but still kind of beautiful. Kihyun is looking at them like he wants to find something there. Changkyun is looking at Kihyun.

‘Like what you see?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun lifts his shoulders and turns to Changkyun. He looks let down, barefaced and his hair still wet. Changkyun doesn’t know how he still manages to look enticing, or maybe Changkyun just doesn’t see him objectively anymore because of all the things they’ve done. ‘It’s nice up here.’

‘We can do this more often.’

‘Why do you care so much?’

The question takes Changkyun off guard and he stumbles over the words before he gets them out properly. ‘I – I don’t know… it’s just what happens when I hang out with people I like. Have you never cared about anyone?’

‘You shouldn’t care about me,’ Kihyun deflects. ‘About this.’

‘What if I’ll do it anyway?’

‘You’re going to get hurt.’ Kihyun keeps all emotion out of his voice but there’s a flicker on his face, something softer than the usual sharpness and that’s good enough for now.

‘Maybe I wouldn’t mind.’

‘You say that now, but you will.’

‘Is that why you won’t tell me anything? Because you don’t want to put yourself out for hurt?’

Changkyun knows he’s gone too far but to his endless surprise Kihyun drops his gaze to his half-empty cup and doesn’t say anything. It seems almost like surrender and it makes Changkyun brave.

‘Keeping people at an arm’s length isn’t going to make you happy,’ he says carefully.

‘Letting people in isn’t, either,’ Kihyun replies. ‘And I don’t think it’s your place to decide what does and what doesn’t make me happy.’

‘Sorry.’ It’s the wrong timing but Changkyun can’t keep the smile off his face. It’s just so strange right now: to sit here, just talking, with Kihyun looking like the simplest dream.

‘What are you smiling about? This isn’t funny.’

‘I know it’s not. I’m just – glad you’re talking to me.’

Kihyun scoffs. ‘You put something in the coffee, didn’t you?’

‘What? No.’

‘You’re lucky you’re so hot. It just barely makes up for the nosiness.’

Changkyun can’t stop smiling and then Kihyun is grinning, too, and Changkyun realises he’s never seen him laugh like this, so carefree and real. It makes his heart ache, the thought that Kihyun doesn’t show much joy around him, and looking at him now, making Kihyun laugh is all he wants to do.

‘Oh Changkyun,’ Kihyun says quietly when they got themselves back together. ‘One day you’re going to regret asking me all these questions.’

‘How could I if I never get any answers?’

But Kihyun looks at him, so open and honest like there’s nothing to hide. Maybe there isn’t, Changkyun wouldn’t know. He just knows that he wants to keep this Kihyun, the one who trusts, the one who talks and smiles. Kihyun, who says, ‘One day I might give you one.’

 

Changkyun doesn’t know what changed. He knows he’s been thinking about Kihyun a lot but suddenly he can’t stop. Kihyun is an enigma, a puzzle with too many pieces missing, but Changkyun wants the whole picture, no matter how dark it may be.

‘I think I might like him,’ Changkyun tells Jooheon, who’s spread out on his couch.

‘You are terrible and I don’t know why I’m friends with you,’ Jooheon replies without looking up. ‘And I don’t think this is a good idea but I know you won’t listen to me because you never do.’

He’s right. That evening, Changkyun goes to the club to see Kihyun but he’s not there. He asks the other bartenders who don’t know anything and Changkyun worries that he irreversibly destroyed what was there, that he somehow read all the signs wrong and made Kihyun cut him off.

It’s a terrifying thought and it forces Changkyun to recognise just how important Kihyun has become. Kihyun, who was meant to be nothing else but a distraction, a wet dream made reality. Kihyun, who is so much more than a hot body against his, who never gave Changkyun a reason to care and made him care regardless.

 

‘I’m going to hate myself for this,’ Jooheon begins, ‘but I think I saw your guy yesterday. Kihyun.’

Changkyun nearly chokes on his cheese cracker. ‘What? Where?’

‘You said he has silver hair? Pretty short, pretty skinny, pretty charismatic?’

‘Yeah. Where’d you see him?’

‘I can’t believe I’m doing you this favour.’ Jooheon sighs heavily. ‘He was at the company event I was invited to.’

‘As a bartender?’

‘As a singer.’

Changkyun’s heart stutters for two beats. ‘Wh-What?’

‘He was booked as a musician, for entertainment, you know? And I have to say, he wasn’t half bad.’

‘ _What_.’

Kihyun, a singer. Less secure than a bartender, he had said. Kihyun, an artist. Somehow it fits – Changkyun can see Kihyun on a stage, can see Kihyun enjoying the spotlight, using his charms. At the same time it’s hard to imagine that that’s a real image that actually exists outside of Changkyun’s vivid imagination.

Changkyun needs to see it for himself.

‘Do you know anything else?’ Changkyun asks.

‘I knew you would ask that. I knew you’d want to go see him but that’s a very bad idea, so I didn’t research. Listen to your best friend and keep away from him.’

 

Changkyun doesn’t. The next Friday, he’s at the club and this time Kihyun is there. Changkyun wants so badly to ask him about his job but he’s afraid Kihyun wouldn’t take it well and run off.

‘Where were you the other day?’ he asks instead, Kihyun’s body pressed flush against him.

‘Something came up,’ Kihyun replies, mouthing along Changkyun’s throat. ‘Missed me?’

‘Would you like it if I had?’

‘I gave you enough warnings. It’s nice to know I’m doing something right.’

‘That’s quite a change of mind.’

‘I said you’re hot. Don’t push your luck.’

‘I wonder what came up, though.’

‘Another job. Now shut up or I’m going to look for someone else.’ The threat is without bite and Changkyun contently hums when Kihyun kisses his collarbones. They are so familiar with each other now despite not really knowing anything. Changkyun reckons it’s what happens when you sleep with someone this often; you can’t _not_ learn little things about them. Kihyun may be able to hide his background but Changkyun still knows that there’s a scar on Kihyun’s wrist that makes his heart ache and that Kihyun likes it when Changkyun is vocal.

It’s different but they still know each other. If this is everything he gets, Changkyun will take it.

 

‘You don’t have to come next Tuesday. I won’t be there,’ Kihyun says later. For once he doesn’t look like he wants to bold and for the first time Changkyun lets himself wonder whether Kihyun cares a little bit, too.

‘Where will you be?’

Kihyun rolls to his side, facing Changkyun. His eyes are dark but his expression is honest again. ‘Somewhere where they pay me for having fun.’

‘That sounds lovely,’ Changkyun says quietly. ‘I hope that happens often.’

‘What if that meant you couldn’t see me anymore?’

‘Even then.’

Suddenly the spell is broken and Kihyun scrambles up, slips into his clothes so fast it gives Changkyun whiplash.

He shouldn’t have said that. It was beyond saying he cares. It was beyond what is acceptable in Kihyun’s eyes. It was saying _I care so much about you that I don’t care where that leaves me_.

‘You should be careful with giving me ideas, Changkyun,’ Kihyun whispers and runs a hand through Changkyun’s hair, uncharacteristically gentle, and it makes Changkyun freeze. ‘Maybe one day you’re not going to see me again.’

Then he leaves and Changkyun’s panicked heart doesn’t stop racing for a long time.

 

‘Again I cannot _believe_ I’m doing this for a dick like you,’ Jooheon says on the phone.

Not for the first time Changkyun wonders who took it worse: Yeri or Jooheon. Jooheon is never goint to let him live this down. ‘What is it?’

‘Come to the company and you’ll see Kihyun.’

‘Excuse me, _what_?’

‘This is what you get for not coming to the party. I mean, why say no to free alcohol? And seeing your boss drunk off his ass? Jinyoung just tried to kiss Hyungwon and it was _hilarious_ , you’re really missing out on –’

‘Jooheon,’ Changkyun says. ‘Is he singing?’

There’s a short silence. ‘He will be. He’s setting up right now. Get your ass here.’

Jooheon hangs up.

Kihyun, at the company, at the party Changkyun had decided not to attend. Kihyun, on a stage.

He takes the fastest shower in the world and is on the road even quicker.

 

‘I swear, if this was a means to get me out of the house I’m going to dropkick you,’ Changkyun says.

Jooheon pads his shoulder soothingly. ‘I would like to see you try with those chopstick legs of yours.’

There’s music playing but it’s muffled by the three double doors that still separate them from the main room. It gets louder each time they pass a threshold and suddenly they’re there. Changkyun sees his colleagues in various states of intoxication, eating snacks, clinking glasses, talking to others. In the back is a small stage set up and Kihyun is there, Kihyun is singing, fantasy made real.

Changkyun crosses the room like he’s drawn to the stage by a magnet.

Kihyun is wearing a simple black suit, his hair parted and swept away from his forehead. He’s singing an upbeat song, eyes closed and eyebrows drawn together, both hands holding the mic.

It’s the strangest thing Changkyun has ever seen. It feels like this is a Kihyun from an alternative universe, so far away from the Kihyun who regularly makes Changkyun come in all the best ways. And his _voice_. It's so different than his speaking tone, much higher, stronger, more emotional. It blows Changkyun away.

‘I can’t believe this is the guy you cheated on Yeri for,’ Jooheon says drily and Changkyun snaps out of his daze, a sharp stab of guilt and shame in his stomach. Suddenly Kihyun’s voice seems louder, like the only thing Changkyun ever wants to hear because it’s so beautiful. He doesn’t know what he expected but it wasn’t this.

‘Sometimes I can’t believe he’s real,’ Changkyun says.

Jooheon groans and drags Changkyun away from the stage. ‘You’re whipped.’

Other colleagues join them at a table and distract Changkyun from staring at Kihyun across the room but he keeps singing and singing like it’s the only thing that matters to him. It might be.

Changkyun wonders what Kihyun would think if he knew Changkyun was here, if it would change things. It's just a coincidence, so Kihyun couldn’t be mad.

Changkyun doesn’t think he could keep it to himself the next time he’d see Kihyun at the club.

Like always, the party escalates and then spirals downwards until only a few people are left. Kihyun stopped singing, busied himself with packing up his equipment, and Changkyun is still hovering at the edge of the room with the drink for Kihyun he’d fixed half an hour ago.

Kihyun seems a little stressed but also more alive than Changkyun has ever seen him. There’s fire in his eyes, energy in every movement, and Changkyun hopes he can do this kind of thing often, just to be this happy.

He steps forward. ‘I didn’t know you could sing so well.’

Kihyun startles so hard he almost drops the bag he’s holding. ‘Changkyun?’ When he turns his expression is closed off, cold, and Changkyun’s heart sinks.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not a stalker,’ he says quickly. ‘I work here. Do you want a drink?’

Kihyun’s eyes flicker from Changkyun’s face to his hands and back again. He looks like a trapped animal, unsure whether to attack or flee. It breaks Changkyun’s heart a little.

‘Are you happy now?’ Kihyun asks. ‘That you found this out?’

‘You were amaz-‘

‘Do you think it’s embarrassing? Doesn’t really fit me, huh?’ Kihyun’s voice is a shard of ice and Changkyun doesn’t _understand_ –

‘I would make a better whore than singer.’ Kihyun takes the drink out of Changkyun’s hand and downs it in one go.

Kihyun is definitely freaking out, but Changkyun can’t tell _why_ exactly, he hasn’t even said anything. He thought this might be a turning point, but not like this. ‘What? You were amazing just now.’

Kihyun takes Changkyun’s own drink, too. ‘You weren’t supposed to know. Not you.’

‘Why would it make such a big difference? This makes you happy, right? I can see that it does. It’s great. I don’t know why you were worried about telling me, I mean –’

‘Shut up,’ Kihyun whispers. ‘Shut up, Changkyun, you weren’t supposed to know me. I’m nothing but your little secret, remember? A no one to you.’

Changkyun takes a step forward. ‘Kihyun, you were never –’

‘Don’t touch me.’

But Kihyun’s hands are shaking and he’s pressing one to his sternum, chest heaving, breath shallow. This isn’t how it was meant to go.

‘Kihyun, please, you were so good up there, why are you - this isn't going to change anything, I just...’

‘Don’t _touch_ me!’

Changkyun drops his arm. Kihyun has his back to the wall now, equipment forgotten, staring at Changkyun with burning eyes.

Changkyun’s eyes burn too, but for a different reason. ‘You need to breathe. Just breathe.’

Kihyun does like he just realised that he has to. After a minute or two, his hands don’t shake as much anymore and he pushes off the wall, past Changkyun, to grab his stuff.

‘Good to know you work here,’ Kihyun says. He doesn’t look at Changkyun and it feels like he never will again. ‘Whatever. I have to go now. Bye, Changkyun.’

Changkyun knows if he lets him go now he’ll never see him again.

‘Let me drive you home.’

They both freeze.

‘No,’ Kihyun says.

‘Please. You can take advantage of kindness. Of me. This is a lot of stuff to carry for just one person, anyway. Please?’

Kihyun considers this for a while. ‘Drive me to the train station, then.’ He shoulders his bags and breezes past Changkyun, who can only follow.

 

‘Why can’t I drive you home?’ Changkyun asks quietly. ‘Are you scared I’ll show up at your house uninvited?’

‘You’d judge me,’ Kihyun replies, staring out of the window.

‘You really think lowly of me.’

‘Now that this is over I can be honest, right?’ Kihyun snaps. ‘It’s what people like you do. You’re nice and kind as long as everything goes according to your needs and standards and you think you like me but when you figure out who I am and where I’m from you drop me like you got burned. It’s better for me to keep things separate. It works better. I’m sick of people wanting to know shit about me and then not being able to deal with it. How does it feel to be a complete person every day, Changkyun? How does it feel to belong no matter where you go? I wouldn’t fucking know.’

Kihyun is crying now, angry and hurt. It’s the realest he’s been with Changkyun so far and Changkyun feels like crying, too.

Changkyun pulls over and reaches over the gear stick to open the glovebox, ignoring Kihyun’s flinch. ‘Here’s a tissue.’

‘ _Fuck_ you,’ Kihyun spits out but takes the tissue. ‘Fuck you and your niceness and your stupid goddamn face.’

‘How do you know that no one gets you when you never let anyone try?’

‘Are you going to drive me to my fucking train or do I have to walk?’

Changkyun reluctantly pulls back into traffic. They are quiet for a moment while Kihyun tries to find his composure.

‘Please let me drive you home,’ Changkyun says softly. ‘If only as a friend who worries about you. I don’t want to stop seeing you and I don’t want to wonder if you’ll ever be honest with me, but I’ll never show up at the club again if that’s what you want. Please. Even if you live in a garbage bag in a dark alley, I don’t _care_ , Kihyun. I just want to drive you home.’

Kihyun is silent for a long while. Then: ‘Take the exit here and turn right.’

 

This isn’t a part Changkyun has ever been to, in the outskirts of Seoul. The houses are small, tight, and run down, some barely more than a shed. Occasionally they pass people who sit on their doorsteps, smoking even at this hour. Others meet at street corners to exchange stuff Changkyun isn’t sure he wants to know about. His expensive car sticks out like a sore thumb and people stare as if they want to steal it or kill him, or maybe both. It’s hard to believe that someone as beautiful as Kihyun comes from a place like this.

‘Welcome to my hood,’ Kihyun says bitterly. ‘Are you regretting it yet?’

‘I can’t believe you come all the way to central Seoul almost every day just to work as a bartender,’ Changkyun says.

Beat. There are question marks in the air as Kihyun tries to find his footing. ‘The owner of the club is a friend and he pays well enough.’

‘But not enough to move somewhere else.’

‘It’s not just me who’d have to move,’ Kihyun says quietly.

‘Your family?’

Kihyun nods. Changkyun doesn’t know how the evening went from Kihyun shouting at him to him talking about his family, but he’s not going to complain.

‘Turn left and stop at the second house,’ Kihyun says and Changkyun does. When Kihyun gets out of the car Changkyun does, too.

‘Let me help carry your stuff,’ Changkyun says at Kihyun’s puzzled look. It sounds better than _I cannot bear the thought that this might be the last time I ever see you_.

‘You know this much already,’ Kihyun says, narrowing his eyes. ‘Why are you still here?’

Changkyun shrugs and takes the last bag out of the trunk. ‘You were right. I care.’

Kihyun doesn’t say anything and Changkyun follows him to the little house. The yard is dry and untidy, garbage and broken furniture leaned against the wall. Kihyun unlocks the door and a single shitty lightbulb illuminates a cheap excuse of an entrance hall. Old shoes are strewn across the plastic floors. Everything smells like cigarette smoke, moth balls and dust but there’s the pungent stench of puke, too.

If Kihyun is ashamed he doesn’t show it.

‘You can give me that bag now,’ Kihyun says, holding out his hand. He won’t look at Changkyun, who gives it to him reluctantly. ‘Thanks for driving me home and stuff. You can leave now.’

It doesn’t sound like an option or a thank you. It sounds like _once you step outside it’s over_. Kihyun looks both out of place and at home here, still in the suit but so familiar with the surroundings.

‘You should know there’re people out there who don’t care where you’re from. People who only care about who you are,’ Changkyun says.

‘That’s what they all say,’ Kihyun dismisses.

‘Even standing in your house?’

Kihyun shrugs. ‘You think this is the bad thing but it’s not even half of it.’

‘I don’t care. I want to keep seeing you, Kihyun. What do you want?’

Kihyun’s eyes are questioning in the dim light and Changkyun thinks about how he has never specifically said he didn’t want to see Changkyun. It has to count for something, right?

‘What if I tell you that my mother is a drug addict who passes out every evening? That whenever I come home I’m scared to find her choked to death on her own puke? That sometimes I almost _hope_ I do? That she used to be a whore and that I’m – that I’m nothing but a broken condom?’ Kihyun’s voice breaks and there are tear tracks on his cheeks but he doesn’t look away from Changkyun’s eyes, stoic. ‘Would you still see me as me?’

‘Even then,’ Changkyun says. He knows his voice shakes but that doesn’t make it any less true. He reaches forward and Kihyun lets himself be pulled against his chest without any resistance.

‘If you use this against me,’ Kihyun whispers. ‘I will kill you.’

Changkyun wonders how many people have hurt Kihyun in the past, how many left him because of his mother or his history or his home. He knows people can be cruel and, thinking of Yeri, he’s been cruel, too.

But Kihyun, Changkyun thinks, Kihyun deserves all the kindness in the entire world.

 

The rest of Kihyun’s house isn’t much better than the entrance hall. Kihyun’s mother is sleeping on the couch in the tiny living room, buried under ratty blankets. Kihyun switches off the old TV and takes care of her while Changkyun busies himself with washing some of the old dishes that pile in the sink.

Kihyun’s voice is low and gentle when he talks to his mum. Another side of him, one that Changkyun never actually expected to see. He wonders if that means Kihyun is going to let him stay in his life.

Kihyun comes back to the kitchen, notes Changkyun at the sink and waves him over.

They both hesitate at the door. It’s like none of them know where to go from now, what anything that happened really means. So Changkyun plucks up some courage and asks, ‘Can I kiss you?’

When Kihyun looks at him the surprise makes him look so young, eyes big and beautiful, like the past never touched him. He looks like a boy again, nothing like the insanely hot man Changkyun usually knows him for. There are so many questions on that face; _why would you want to? Why are you here? Are you going to hurt me, too?_

Kihyun lets the door fall closed and crowds Changkyun against it, a hand on his hip, the other on Changkyun’s jaw.

‘Okay,’ he says and it sounds like defeat. Then he kisses him the way only Kihyun ever does, insistent and demanding like Changkyun belongs to him alone. 

(He does.)

‘You wanna go upstairs?’ Kihyun asks and Changkyun’s heart jumps because that’s the closest he’ll get to Kihyun asking him to stay.

‘Yes, god, yes.’

Changkyun thinks he’s falling in love right here, with Kihyun’s red mouth, with his beautiful eyes, with the way he breathes out his name when he takes Changkyun's hand.

 

Kihyun’s room is apparently the only tidy room in the house. It’s not quite as run down as the other parts, even though there are cracks in the walls. Changkyun doesn’t get much time to look at other things before Kihyun pushes him onto the single bed, biting down on his neck. Sex seems to be the only way for Kihyun to handle things and Changkyun is pretty sure a lot of issues come with that but he'll think about that later.

‘Can I suck you off?’ Changkyun asks. He doesn’t really want to do anything else. He just wants Kihyun to be happy. To be free. To be content.

‘Yeah,’ Kihyun says, letting Changkyun pull off his black slacks.

‘Get on your back,’ Changkyun says. Kihyun follows his instructions, loosening his tie in the process.

Changkyun scoots down, pressing a kiss to each hipbone, runs his tongue over the soft skin of Kihyun’s inner thigh. Kihyun deserves to be worshipped, to be pleased. Changkyun wants him to know that, sucks a small mark into the tender flesh and Kihyun groans quietly.

Changkyun hopes this is going to be enough for Kihyun to let him stay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this was a little more angsty than I initially planned but it's gonna be fine. Probably. Maybe. Stay tuned to find out~
> 
> As always, thanks for taking the time to read it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (small tw for very brief mentions of attempted suicide/self-harm, violence, death)

Changkyun wakes up to Kihyun staring at him and startles a little. He’s close since the bed is so small but Changkyun wouldn’t mind having him closer, if it wasn’t for the guarded expression on his face.

‘You’re still here,’ Kihyun says. ‘I was so sure you’d leave once I fell asleep. _So_ sure.’

‘I don’t ever want to leave again,’ Changkyun replies.

‘That’s cheesy and unrealistic.’

‘How can you say that when I’m still here?’

‘I have to tell you something that might change that.’

Changkyun waits.

‘Someone keyed your car,’ Kihyun says.

‘What?’ Changkyun groans. ‘For Christ’s sake.’

Kihyun shrinks back from him, expression cold. ‘It’s not my fault.’

‘What? I never said it was.’ Changkyun sits up. ‘Next time I come over I better take the train.’

Kihyun blinks. ‘Next time?’

‘I will say it again and again until you believe me: I want to keep seeing you.’

‘You’re crazy.’ Kihyun buries his face in the pillow while Changkyun just smiles.

 

‘Am I going to see you at the club next time?’ Changkyun asks at the door.

Kihyun shrugs. ‘Probably.’

‘Now that’s reassuring.’

There’s the smallest hint of a smile on Kihyun’s face before he pushes Changkyun outside.

Yes, someone keyed his car but for the first time Changkyun feels hopeful that there might be some form of future with Kihyun. He can already imagine Jooheon’s face when he tells him.

 

This time at the club, they don’t fuck.

They kiss until Changkyun’s mouth is numb and Kihyun’s lips are swollen. They kiss until it feels like they are the only people in this universe and nothing else matters anymore. They kiss and Changkyun feels like his heart is trying to outrun itself, jumping up against his collar bones and he thinks Kihyun must feel it wherever he puts his hands – on his wrists, his neck, his cheeks.

Changkyun wonders how Kihyun’s heart is faring.

‘If I tell you how important you are to me,’ Changkyun starts quietly, ‘will that make you uncomfortable?’

Kihyun brushes Changkyun’s hair out of his eyes. ‘No. You’ve said it before. Not necessarily with words, but you’ve said it anyway.’

‘Can I say it again?’

‘You just did.’

‘Am I… am I important to you, too? A little bit?’

It’s quiet for a while but Kihyun’s hand in Changkyun’s hair doesn’t hesitate, his eyes don’t change. The air is so devoid of tension, even though Changkyun feels like things are going to be different depending on the answer.

‘Do you want me to be honest?’ Kihyun asks.

‘Always.’

Kihyun takes his hands back and Changkyun’s heart sinks. ‘I stopped sleeping with others a while ago.’

‘What?’

‘Because they weren’t you. I don’t really know what’s different, but suddenly it annoyed me that no one else took care or bothered with getting me off, so… I stopped. I guess that means I care a little bit.’

Changkyun feels like he’s dying, but this time in a good way. ‘I might actually start crying.’

‘Don’t. That’s embarrassing.’

‘That’s rich coming from you.’

Kihyun slaps Changkyun lightly, grinning. No tension, just them. Just them.

 

‘Do you want to go on a date with me?’ Changkyun asks later when he’s supposed to go home. The question has been sitting on his tongue for a while, an invisible weight that made it impossible to think of anything else. It’s a risk to just ask but Changkyun is getting a little bit more careless.

‘Really?’ Kihyun asks, sceptical. ‘You’re actually asking me out like some kind of… normal person?’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t really do dates.’

‘It doesn’t have to be a date. We can just, like, hang out. Go see a movie if you want. Eat something unreasonably greasy. Have some fun.’

‘I can’t believe you want this to be serious.’ Kihyun doesn’t say it like it’s a bad thing, so Changkyun only frowns a little.

‘So do you want to or not?’

Kihyun looks away. Every time he gives in a little Changkyun can see past the walls and see a piece of the real him. ‘I choose the place and what we do.’

‘Okay.’

‘Get out, then.’

Changkyun leans forward, steals another kiss, and leaves.

 

The club is underground and the walls are black. Pretty much everything is black, Changkyun notes when he looks around. Everything except the multi-coloured lights and of course the people. The air is hazy with music and the smells of liquor, sweat, and something that reminds Changkyun of KBBQ, the bass a physical thing in his ribcage as he follows Kihyun through the crowd.

Kihyun, it seems, comes here often.

At the entrance the bouncers had grinned at him, clapped hands on his shoulders and Kihyun had flashed them a real smile easily, like it’s not something that Changkyun still has to work for. Now he’s leading the way to the bar, slapping a hand to the counter top to get the bartender’s attention.

‘Kihyunnie!’ the bartender exclaims happily. He has purple hair, a chest at least three times the size of Changkyun’s, and his ears stick out a little. When he smiles he looks like a big kid. ‘Good to see you. What can I get you?’

‘Scotch neat,’ Kihyun says and turns to Changkyun. ‘What do you want?’

‘A coke.’

Both the bartender and Kihyun raise an eyebrow at him but no one comments.

‘Are you going to introduce your friend to me, Kihyun?’ the bartender asks while grabbing some glasses.

‘Wonho, this is Changkyun. Changkyun, this is Wonho,’ Kihyun says simply. No explanation to what they are. Or who Wonho is to Kihyun. Not yet, anyway.

‘Nice to meet you, Changkyun. It’s been a while since Kihyunnie brought anyone here.’ Wonho makes a thoughtful face. ‘So long, in fact, that I can’t remember if it ever happened at all.’

Kihyun scowls. ‘Don’t expose me.’

‘That’s what friends are for.’ Wonho winks at Changkyun and turns to get a coke.

They get their drinks and Kihyun drags Changkyun towards the dance floor, which seems like a terrible idea but soon turns into a very intriguing one. Kihyun drags his hips against Changkyun’s, the hand that’s not holding a glass sneaking to Changkyun’s nape.

‘Why this place?’ Changkyun ask, leaning in close.

‘My friends work here,’ Kihyun says. ‘If you pull any shit I can ask them to rough you up for me.’

‘Glad to know you trust me. I didn’t even know you had friends,’ Changkyun says and grins.

‘Shut up.’ Kihyun’s breath smells like scotch and his lips taste like it, too. ‘Or I’ll make you arm-wrestle Wonho just to watch you break a wrist.’

 

They stay for ages. Changkyun eventually switches to beer, then they take shots until they are both a little tipsy.

Now the bar is almost empty and the room seems bigger without the crowd. The music is quieter, too, not a tangible thing anymore, and some girls are picking up empty plastic cups, talking and laughing.

Kihyun and Changkyun are back at the bar.

‘What do you think of Changkyun?’ Kihyun is asking Wonho.

Changkyun immediately straightens up. Kihyun smirks at him, slow and deliberate, and his eyes are so alive. Every time Changkyun thinks he’s seen the real side of him, Kihyun peels off another layer, all new and yet the same underneath.

Wonho regards Changkyun for a moment. ‘He seems nice.’

That answer obviously doesn’t do it for Kihyun. ‘But?’

‘Nothing but,’ Wonho says. ‘I’ve just met him. He’s quiet and obviously smitten. What are you guys, anyway?’

Kihyun looks at Changkyun, calculating. Changkyun shrugs. _Whatever you want us to be_.

‘Something,’ Kihyun says simply and Changkyun can’t keep the goddamn smile off his face. God, that’s better than nothing. That’s better than just friends or fuck buddies or whatever else Kihyun could have said. Something, Changkyun muses, is a lot closer to a real thing.

‘Oh sweet baby Jesus,’ Wonho says and frames his face with his hands, obviously delighted. ‘Changkyun, are you ready for your interview?’

 

It’s half past five when Kihyun decides it’s time to leave. The air outside is a shock of cold and it’s a little sobering. Not many people are in the streets but there are still cars, taxis, ambulances. The river glitters, full of city lights.

Wonho had asked Changkyun too many questions to keep track of his answers and he feels wired, tense, like the night is full of possibilities but his time is running out.

‘Did I pass the test?’ Changkyun asks. He wants to hold Kihyun’s hand. He wants to make possibilities concrete memories.

The light catches on Kihyun’s teeth when he smiles. ‘For now.’

 

Changkyun takes Kihyun to Lotte World. Kihyun is reluctant about Changkyun spending money on him but he gives in eventually. They go on rollercoasters where they both scream, and take pictures with the cute attractions. Changkyun buys cotton candy and in a quiet corner where no one can see them, Kihyun kisses the sugar off his lips.

 

It’s a little surreal. The following week is a series of snapshots: Kihyun in one of Changkyun’s oversized shirts, draped over the couch and scrolling through Changkyun’s Netflix list. Kihyun pushing Changkyun down to his knees, fingers twisted in his hair and eyes filled with hunger. Kihyun laughing so hard that no sound comes out.

Just Kihyun.

He doesn’t seem to know anything about normal relationships. For a while he tries to turn everything into something physical and it takes a few attempts before Kihyun understands that sometimes just being with each other is enough. Sometimes Changkyun can see the desire to escape in the tension of his shoulders. Sometimes Kihyun is gone when he wakes up.

But he comes back and the longer they do this, the longer he stays and Changkyun watches him relax every time he realises he’s safe. It’s like watching a wall crumble and Changkyun is so proud.

Some things are new to Changkyun, too. He finds out that Kihyun doesn’t like being touched when he’s falling asleep. He learns that Kihyun loves it when the sun floods the kitchen with light and he’ll just sit on the floor, soaking it up like a cat. Sometimes Kihyun lets him do stuff like hold his hand and sometimes he doesn’t even want to sit next to him, and Changkyun is still figuring out the tell-tale signs.

Every time he stays over, Changkyun feels like he’s full of this soft, golden feeling. Every time Kihyun tells him something about himself. It’s so different than the relationship he’d had with Yeri that was always part power play and part pretend. Changkyun doesn’t have to keep secrets here and he hopes one day that will be the same for Kihyun. Right now feels like a milestone: Kihyun sits on his kitchen counter and tells him that the scar on his wrist is from the one time when he thought he couldn’t do it anymore.

‘But I could,’ he says. ‘I did. I haven’t done anything like that since.’

‘I’m so glad you’re still here. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to make it to the top,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. ‘I’m nowhere near the top.’

‘You could be, though, with the right recourses. I mean, your _voice_ , Kihyun. You’re so good. You could probably do something with that if you really tried.’ Changkyun’s been thinking about that a lot. All it takes is for the right person to see Kihyun on stage and a signed contract later Kihyun could have everything he wanted. It’s just that Kihyun holds himself back for the sake of his mother, anchors himself to his past and his circumstances and refuses to acknowledge change where it’s possible.

Where Changkyun could _make_ it possible. Jooheon has connections to some entertainment labels due to having been an underground rapper and Changkyun has enough money and influence to figure something out.

But Kihyun wouldn’t let him. Kihyun who’s too proud to ask for anything. Walls may be protective but most of all they’re limiting.

‘I guess it’s easy to say for people like you,’ Kihyun says. There’s almost no bitterness in his voice, just fatigue. ‘But people like me have to be realistic.’

‘Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to dream a little. I don’t think we’re that different.’

‘Yeah, right, because that will surely get me somewhere.’

‘Okay. Let’s say it would. If you could have one dream that came true, what would it be? What is the one thing that you want out of life?’

‘That is a very difficult question. And a very private one.’

Changkyun sighs. Layers and layers, it just never ends. ‘Sorry.’

Silence. The fridge hums. Kihyun runs his fingertips over the counter top, eyes closed, his eyelashes casting shadows over his cheeks. He looks different from the first time Changkyun’s seen him but the world still spins whenever he smiles. Changkyun doesn’t remember if he ever felt like this about Yeri.

‘I want to be seen,’ Kihyun says quietly. ‘Recognised. Acknowledged, just for one day. And I want to be carefree and happy and… and I want to sing and I want to be needed, like, honestly needed by someone, not just wanted. You know, everyone _wants_ me. I give myself away like leftover change but no one ever needs that except the ones who don’t have anything. People like me just get a cheap rip-off of everything in the world.’

He opens his eyes, apparently surprised that he said that out loud. Changkyun sure is.

‘What about you?’ Kihyun asks quickly. ‘What could the man who can buy everything possibly want the most?’

Changkyun is still floored by Kihyun’s answer and takes a moment to calm down. ‘For the record, I can’t buy _everything_. I’m not that kind of rich. Well, sometimes I don’t know. Mostly I think I just want someone I could share everything with – not the material stuff, but like, me. You know? Someone who understands and keeps me grounded. Most of all I just want to be happy or at least somewhere close to that. It would be great to be carefree for once.’

‘What are you worried about?’ Kihyun asks.

( _Losing you. Making another mistake. Wearing this chain that reads ‘cheater’ forever_.) ‘Just life in general.’

Kihyun slips off the counter and comes over to where Changkyun is sitting. ‘I think we should stop talking about this emo stuff. I don’t want to spend time having an existential crisis when I might as well be fucking you.’

‘Holy _shit_ , Kihyun.’

‘No more talking,’ Kihyun says. It feels a little bit like falling back into an old pattern, Changkyun thinks, but it’s really hard to care when Kihyun pulls his shirt off in the middle of the kitchen.

 

Changkyun went too far with that question. He knew it when he asked it first, knew when Kihyun didn’t let him in further, knows it now when every following attempt at a personal conversation has been nearly impossible. Kihyun is back to keeping Changkyun at an arm’s length despite still doing amiable things like scavenging Changkyun’s cupboards, so they won’t have to eat takeaway again.

(‘I don’t mind takeaway,’ Changkyun had said. ‘It’s easy, quick and most importantly delicious.’

Kihyun had tutted at him. ‘You don’t get homemade stuff very often, do you?’)

They stay at Changkyun’s place most of the time. Kihyun doesn’t like having Changkyun at his house for obvious reasons, so he comes over when he’s done with whatever job it was that day. He never tells Changkyun about it.

Changkyun is curious but he doesn’t want to push him more. He can’t afford another mistake that he’ll regret for the rest of his life.

(Though it’s hard to regret cheating on Yeri whenever he looks at Kihyun.)

Kihyun just needs more time, Changkyun figures. Time to realise that Changkyun is worth his trust despite how they met each other. Time to learn that maybe Kihyun doesn’t have to dream about being needed anymore.

 

Changkyun should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. It never is, especially when it comes to someone like Kihyun who has more trust issues than a beaten stray dog.

When he meets Kihyun at the mall he can immediately tell that something’s wrong; Kihyun’s gaze is made of ice. He’s wearing that masked expression he used to have all the time when they first started this – this thing. (Changkyun doesn’t dare call it a relationship.)

‘Hey,’ Changkyun says, trying to remain casual. Maybe he’s just paranoid. ‘What’s up?’

‘Sorry I got your hopes up,’ Kihyun replies.

Changkyun freezes. ‘What?’

‘I mean it. But I can’t do this. I’ve been so stupid.’ Kihyun swallows. His eyes are glossy and he looks everywhere except at Changkyun but he seems in control, much more than Changkyun feels right now.  ‘All this time I’ve only been thinking about myself and my own problems, and I completely forgot that we literally only know each other because you cheated on your girlfriend.’

‘Kihyun –’

‘Which obviously means you can’t be the most trustworthy person in the world. I’ve already told you so much, I – I’m not going to let you do this to me. You can’t hurt me. I should have realised this sooner but here it is. I’m not going to do this anymore.’

‘I would _never_ cheat on you –’

‘I bet that’s what you would have told your girlfriend, too, before you met me. And I wasn’t even _trying_ , Changkyun.’ Kihyun lets out a bitter laugh. ‘I wasn’t even trying. You were so easy and pliant and just… when I think about how easy it would be for someone who’d really want to – no. I shouldn’t have taken this risk anyway.’

Changkyun feels his heart beat right in his throat, his blood loud and hot in his ears. There’s a familiar pressure behind his eyes that he tries to ignore but it doesn’t work. Everything’s blurry. ‘But – you really mean something to me, Kihyun. I would never hurt you and I’m trying really hard to redeem myself and everything and I thought I meant something to you, too, and it’s not like _you_ have an easy past, but I promise I won’t –‘

‘Shut up,’ Kihyun says quietly. ‘Don’t you dare bring up my past. The whole point is you do – you did mean something but I’m making the reasonable choice here. You’d never stay with me. You’re a _cheater_ , Changkyun. There is nothing for you here. Once you get a long enough look at what my life’s like you’ll start going to clubs and bars and you’ll find another pretty face and then you’ll be gone. And I’ll sit there, asking myself why I was so stupid and naïve while you’ll be out there fucking someone else and that’s – I just – I don’t want –’

Kihyun takes a deep breath and pulls his shoulders up like he's protecting himself but he doesn't cry. Changkyun does. His whole face is hot: from shame, from anger, from heartbreak. He can’t even say anything; he wants to, he has to make Kihyun stay somehow, but his throat is blocked. He watches Kihyun back away, shaking his head, and when Changkyun reaches out he jerks back. It’s like a flashback to the company party but a nightmare version of it where Kihyun doesn’t give him another chance.

(Not that he ever deserved one.)

‘Bye, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says softly and then he walks away.

 

‘I told you,’ Jooheon says later that day. ‘I told you to stay away and you didn’t. Now see where that got you. ‘

‘I don’t want to hear it,’ Changkyun replies. They’ve been sitting in Jooheon’s living room for who knows how long, drinking beer after beer until the raw hurt in Changkyun’s ribcage died down to something numb.

Changkyun should have known. From the moment he’d kissed Kihyun for the first time. Now everything that’s left is guilt, shame, and regret. That’s all Changkyun _is_.  It’s almost fair, in a sense: he broke someone’s heart and in turn got his own broken, too. He’s had it coming, really. He deserves it. Jooheon’s going to have a fieldtrip with this for the rest of his life.

Not that Changkyun would need the reminder.

‘You can’t tell me you didn’t see this coming,’ Jooheon says, a little softer now. ‘I mean, everything you’ve told me is just kind of… shady.’

‘I know, but I’m an idiot. An idiot who screws up something that came from having screwed up before. And you know what’s the worst? I love him. I’m – I’m in love with him, Jooheon. It felt so right. How can it feel right when it stems from a mistake? It should be something regrettable and it was for a while but now I’m just – I really care about him but he’ll never trust me because of what I did, even though I did it because of and for him. It’s just so messed up.’

Jooheon doesn’t reply right away, just scoots closer and hands Changkyun a tissue. Changkyun didn’t even realise that he started crying again. Jesus, that needs to stop.

‘Here’s some genuine advice because in spite of you being an idiot I still care about you,’ Jooheon says.  ‘Take two weeks off from work. Get out of the city, fly to Europe or whatever, eat some expensive snail salad in Paris or help at a dog rescue – I don’t care. Just get away for a bit. And the second week, we’re going to go to your apartment and paint all the walls and throw out everything that reminds you of this hell-ride, and then you’ll figure things out. How does that sound?’

(Like giving up. Like pretending to forget. Like running away.)

‘Good,’ Changkyun says quietly. ‘It sounds good.’

 

Just taking two weeks off proves to be more difficult than expected. Changkyun always got along with his boss but in the legal sense he’s still just like any other employer, which means he has to hand in vacation plans in the beginning of the year.

Changkyun never takes vacations.

Park Jinyoung tells him he’ll try to push things around because Changkyun has worked hard, but he can’t promise anything. Eventually it turns out that Changkyun will have to postpone his mental checkout for another month.

Another month of resisting the temptation to go to the club to see Kihyun. To get a glimpse, just to see if he’s doing well.

Changkyun has never been able to resist Kihyun.

 

Kihyun is doing well by the looks of it. He’s talking to a wide-shouldered bartender and he doesn’t know that Changkyun is here, hidden in the crowd, just another faceless customer if you don’t look too closely.

Kihyun seems fine. He’s still beautiful and there’s this effortlessness about his charisma that never fails to make Changkyun’s heart stutter but he’s closed off. Private. The smile on his face isn’t real.

Changkyun wonders if he’ll ever see that real smile again, then shakes the thought out of his head. He’s here to say goodbye, to find closure and then move on. This is the last bit of self-indulgence he’s allowing himself and after this – after this there will be a life without Kihyun in it, without Yeri in it, without _anyone_ who really matters in it. A quieter life. Maybe, hopefully, an easier life.

Changkyun wonders whether he’ll be happy there.

Content, perhaps.

But happy?

He watches Kihyun take a shot, scrunch up his face, and the bartender laughs. Kihyun doesn’t.

The worst is, Changkyun thinks, that he can see why it would never have worked. Kihyun was right, they are from different worlds but Changkyun was willing to try anyway. He still is, but Kihyun is too damaged and Changkyun’s mistake too big for them to ever work this out. He’ll just have to face the fact that sometimes no matter how much you want it or how hard you try, it’s just not going to happen.

And it’s so ironic. If Changkyun hadn’t cheated on Yeri, Kihyun and he would never have got involved like this but it’s also what stands in the way.

It’s ironic and stupid and messy and Changkyun doesn’t know what to regret anymore.

He turns around, walks out of the club. If he saw Kihyun flirt with someone else he might actually scream. If Kihyun saw him he doesn’t know what he would say or what would happen. He shouldn’t have come here anyway.

He should have known that he could never say goodbye to Kihyun. Not like this.

 

The month until Changkyun’s break drags on and on until it’s suddenly there. He almost books a flight to London just because he can but he doesn’t. Instead he calls his mum to let her know he’s going to come over.

She doesn’t know that Changkyun cheated on Yeri and Changkyun is never going to tell her. She’d disown him or something, so instead he told her they broke up. Every time he thinks about it there’s a new wave of shame but he’d rather live with this lie than his parents’ bottomless disappointment in him.

He’s disappointed enough in himself.

Right now, everything is almost fine, like nothing changed, just for a moment. The house looks like it always does and his mum makes tea like she always does and the scent of everything familiar transports Changkyun back in time. He feels so much smaller here, so much younger, like he could somehow go back to being the innocent, gentle boy he used to be.

They sit down in the living room. It’s starting to get cold outside and Changkyun worries about the cracks in the walls of Kihyun’s room. He hasn’t seen him in weeks now but he still dreams of him.

‘So, honey, what’s on your mind?’ his mum asks. ‘Is it still Yeri?’

He should have known he couldn’t hide anything from her but he’s so out of it lately. ‘No, it’s… it’s just difficult to find a new routine.’

‘Sometimes you have to embrace change to grow with it.’

They sit in silence for a while. Changkyun looks at his mother, the fine wrinkles around her eyes that deepen when she laughs. He wonders how she manages with his father gone so often.

‘Are you happy?’ he asks quietly.

His mother exhales slowly. ‘I can’t complain.’

‘But does your life really make you happy? Or are you just content?’

‘Is there a difference?’

Of course there is, he wants to say. Of course. He thought there wasn’t one until Kihyun sneaked into his life and even though everything about it was an emotional struggle, Changkyun knows that at least that made him happy. He’d do it all again.

‘I made a really bad mistake,’ he says. ‘But something lovely came off it, for a while at least. And I think – I thought that really made me happy, but that mistake also ruined everything again and now I – I don’t know how to go back to being content with what I have. It doesn’t feel like much anymore now that I know the difference. I don’t know where to go from here.’

Changkyun’s mother takes Changkyun’s hands and holds them across the table. Her skin is warm and soft and Changkyun knows she still uses the cream that smells like clean laundry, flowers, and home. Always home. ‘Not every mistake is unforgivable, you know?’

But this one is, Changkyun knows.

‘Whatever it is you did and whoever it is you think you lost, maybe they will give you a chance to make it right. Perhaps you have to forgive yourself first,’ his mum continues.

‘I can’t. And I _did_ try.’

‘And what did they say?’

‘He didn’t really let me talk.’

‘Maybe you should try to make him listen, then. Tell him the truth and let him make his judgement and maybe he’ll forgive you.’

‘What if he won’t?’

‘Then you come over here and I’ll let you cry for half an hour and then you’ll help me with dinner.’

It sounds too easy but for now the small flutter of hope in Changkyun’s chest feels like enough.

‘Mum?’

‘Honey?’

‘You’re the best.’

She smiles and the wrinkles edge into her face. ‘I know. Come on, enough of that. Your father will be home soon and he will want to talk business, so wash the potatoes before he steals you away.’

 

The flicker of hope doesn’t last long. Only until Changkyun sits in his car, to be exact, the very same car that got keyed in front of Kihyun’s home, now in a shiny new finish.

Changkyun has been circling random blocks for hours, driving down unfamiliar alleys, because his apartment still echoes Yeri’s voice and Kihyun’s laugh and all the things that Changkyun wants. He’s trying to think of what words he could use to convince Kihyun to take him back but there aren’t any.

You should think the truth is simple but it’s not. Truth is a tangled ball of threads. It’s words that aren’t meant to be said but felt.

Changkyun isn’t that great with words. He uses too many or too little or the wrong ones and Kihyun is too used to practiced liars to have a reason to believe him. Changkyun would need to find the right way to phrase his point and frankly he has no idea what to do.

His car takes him to a street he recognises and he gets out, follows the lamps and stairs until he’s in front of the black entrance door of the club Kihyun took him to.

It might not be the best idea to talk to Kihyun’s friends but it seems as good as any to someone who has lost all direction.

Everything is dark, the lights dim, the crowd small and lethargic on a Wednesday evening. The air is so hazy it feels like Changkyun has to take twice as many breaths as usual.

At least the bar is mostly empty and Wonho’s here. He recognises Changkyun immediately and Changkyun braces himself. Maybe Kihyun wasn’t kidding about having him roughed up.

‘Changkyunnie!’ Wonho exclaims with a smile and Changkyun’s confused. ‘Where’d you leave Kihyunnie?’

‘He’s – he’s not here with me,’ Changkyun says.

It’s Wonho’s turn to look puzzled. ‘He isn’t?’

Changkyun needs to tell him but he isn’t nearly drunk enough to be that brave. ‘Can I get a shot of something strong? Anything’s fine.’

Wonho’s confusion changes into mild concern but he gives Changkyun what he asked for. And then again. And again.

There’s a pit of fire in Changkyun’s stomach now and he thinks it might burn him alive this time. He misses Kihyun so much and he’s sitting in a place that just reminds Changkyun of him and all the feelings he’d had that day, and the ache is unbearable now.

‘Did Kihyun say anything about me?’ Changkyun asks.

Wonho shrugs. ‘I haven’t seen him in a while. Last time was maybe two weeks ago and only very briefly. Why? Is there something he should have told me?’ Wonho crosses his arms. Those muscles could snap Changkyun in half like a twig. ‘Are you guys alright?’

‘No,’ Changkyun says. ‘We’re not. He – I thought it could –’

Words are hard, whether he’s drunk or not. It’s hard to breathe, too.

‘Hey, it’s alright,’ Wonho says and hands Changkyun another drink. He downs it in one gulp but it’s just water.

‘He left,’ Changkyun says finally and then everything spills out: the whole story, from Yeri, to how he met Kihyun, to what Kihyun told him when he saw him last. It doesn’t hurt any less. Wonho doesn’t say anything, just listens patiently while wiping down the counter top.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ Changkyun says. ‘I want him to know that I’m serious about this and that I’d never do anything to hurt him but no matter what, he’s never going to believe me.’

Wonho is quiet for a moment longer. ‘You know, I’ve known Kihyun since he was eleven. He ran away from home because he couldn’t stand it anymore and lived on the streets for a week before I ran into him. My family doesn’t have much but they’re very kind, so he stayed over for a bit before he went back home. Well, he went back to find his brother dead on the floor. Stabbed.’

‘Jesus Christ,’ Changkyun breathes out.

Wonho nods. ‘There’s more along those lines. What I’m trying to say is all Kihyun has ever known in his life is loss. Nothing ever worked out for him, you see? And at some point he just stopped trying. He doesn't need something else to screw him over. Or someone, for that matter. You.’

‘I can see that. But I wouldn't, Wonho. I know it sounds cheap coming from me but I would never do that to him.’

‘I was pretty surprised when he brought you here,’ Wonho says. ‘I thought you were friends with benefits or something but he seemed more serious.’

‘Yeah, well.’

‘I don’t know, I think he did like you but Kihyun is – you don’t know what he’s been through. You would be wary of everyone, too, if you were him.’

‘I _know_ that,’ Changkyun says. ‘I know. But should that stop me from trying? You can’t tell me he’s happy with his life and I thought – I thought maybe you have an idea on what I could do to convince him that he doesn’t have to be wary of me.’

‘I think you’re trying to be a good guy, Changkyun, but I’m not sure if you understand what it would be like to be with Kihyun.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, you’ve seen his circumstances, right? And you’d probably try to help but trying to help Kihyun is about the most frustrating thing you could do. He won’t accept your money or your resources. He’ll try to compartmentalise and he’ll fail and he’ll get scared, and you’ll have to convince him to stay more than once. And even then, he might still bail on you. If you can’t handle this I have to ask you to just leave him alone because I swear to God, I don’t want to be the one to pick up the pieces again. And you don’t want to be the one responsible.’

‘Everyone I tell about this somehow underestimates how much he means to me,’ Changkyun says. ‘Like I didn’t ruin and end my relationship just to be with him.’

‘So you’re serious?’

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Wonho, he was the one good thing I would have given up everything for.’

‘Are you – are you _in love_ with him?’

Changkyun wants to scream. ‘Isn’t that obvious?’

There’s a stunned silence and Wonho gives him a look so full of pity and worry that Changkyun almost gets up and runs away.

‘You don’t believe it could work, do you? That I could actually help or make him happy,’ Changkyun asks. The words taste like bile in his mouth. ‘Cool. I’ll just… leave and hope Kihyun finds someone who’s willing to try as hard as me, then. Thanks for telling me, Wonho.’

Wonho sighs. ‘It’s not that I think Kihyun doesn’t deserve to be happy, it’s the opposite really, but Kihyun never lets himself have anything good. He couldn’t bear to lose it and I don’t think he could lose you.’

‘But _I_ have already lost _him_. And I can’t bear it, either, I just can’t, so I’m asking you, please, Wonho, _please_ tell me what to do because I don’t _know_! I don’t know but I miss him so much, I just want to make him happy.’

Changkyun knows he must look like an absolute wreck, sobbing at a bar at half past eleven, drunk but not drunk enough to forget how much it hurts to lose someone you love.

And all Wonho says is, ‘Don’t hurt him, Changkyun. Don’t be a cheater and hurt him.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too sure about this chapter, so pls let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions. There's probably going to be one or maybe two more chapters and then we're done. Thank you for all the nice comments, I appreciate every single one and I love all of you!
> 
> music is the one thing that keeps my ass in the chair when I'm supposed to write, so here's two [more](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtz_n2cAoNk) [songs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84znrPmOePc)
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AjtFuy6YhQ)

The apartment is empty. Always so empty. Changkyun could invite all his friends and it would still feel like this, so devoid of joy. He can’t stand to be here for a long time, no matter how nice it looks. The sunlight just makes him think of Kihyun.

Maybe he should move.

He wonders if Kihyun is happy with his decision or if he misses Changkyun, just a little bit. Maybe he’s already found someone else, someone who never asks questions and never cares about what Kihyun really wants.

Maybe Kihyun doesn’t really know what he wants. Or maybe he just doesn’t let himself have it.

It’s wishful thinking, Changkyun knows. He still hasn’t washed the shirt Kihyun used to sleep in but after all those weeks it doesn’t really smell like him anymore. He’s just not ready to let go of him yet and right now it doesn’t feel like he ever will be. And maybe, just maybe, in a world in which Changkyun isn’t made of mistakes, he doesn’t have to.

Changkyun has already lost what made him happy. Kihyun can’t take anything else from him.

Maybe if Changkyun is honest with him, Kihyun will be honest in turn.

 

‘Don’t you think that’s a bit dramatic?’ Jooheon says. He’s been dipping his paint roller into the bucket of ‘Tranquil Retreat’ for three minutes. Changkyun thinks it looks like any white paint but Jooheon insisted. To be honest, Jooheon’s not been a great deal of help with redecorating Changkyun’s apartment since he showed up this morning, but at least he brought a box of donuts and let Changkyun talk about his plans.

‘A bit maybe,’ Changkyun says. ‘But I’ve got nothing else. If you have a better idea let me know, man.’

‘I can’t believe how you got into this mess. Usually I would say just leave it and move on but you always ignore it when I say that, so… I don’t know.’ Jooheon gives up on painting and sits down on one of the old strips of carpet Changkyun put everywhere to protect his floors.

‘It might be over soon,’ Changkyun says.

‘Pessimist.’

‘Do you think I should be hopeful?’

‘No. I think you should stop thinking about it completely until then and see how it goes.’

‘Will you wish me luck? Or do you secretly hope that I’ll get rejected?’

Jooheon eyes him for a moment. ‘Not too long ago I would have wished you’d wake up and realise what a tremendous idiot you were being, but I think that horse has left the barn. I still don’t think this is going to make you happy in the long run and I have no clue how you could actually lead a healthy relationship with that background, but… I hope a goddamn miracle happens, so that we can all forget this drama. I miss the Changkyun who makes lame jokes.’ Jooheon raises an eyebrow. ‘Who orders food without me having to ask him.’

‘Alright, alright,’ Changkyun says and unlocks his phone. ‘Just for the record, I think you’re the best bro out there. Everyone else would have ditched me.’

Jooheon impatiently gestures to the phone. ‘Don’t make me reconsider it.’

 

When Kihyun comes out of the club, alone and dressed in black, Changkyun has been waiting for two hours. Twice he’d walked away, convinced he was doing the wrong thing, but he’d come back when he remembered what he was walking away from. Or rather, who.

It’s three am and it’s raining and the street is made of shadows but Kihyun spots him immediately. He looks surprised for a second but he composes himself quickly.

‘Do I have to quit to get rid of you?’ Kihyun bites out. ‘Didn’t you get the memo where I said I’m ending things?’

Changkyun really thought he got better at reading Kihyun but he’s failing now. All he can see is the slight flare of anger but everything else, any truth Changkyun could have hoped for, is carefully hidden away.

Changkyun wishes he had the same control over his emotions. Kihyun is just standing there and Changkyun feels faint with affection. ‘I need to talk to you.’

‘I’ve said everything you needed to hear.’ But Kihyun doesn’t walk away. He just looks at Changkyun with those dark, feline eyes. He’s giving Changkyun a minuscule chance and Changkyun prays to every deity that he doesn’t screw this up. The knotted threads of truth feel like a noose around his neck.

‘But I haven’t,’ Changkyun says. Gathers his courage. Tells himself this is as good as it gets. ‘I know I’ve done something unforgivable and I’m the last person on this earth who will forget that but I need to try anyway because I can’t let – I can’t let this go without having tried everything. I love you, Kihyun, and that’s something I will never be able to regret.’

Kihyun continues to look at him, expression blank and emotionless, while Changkyun’s heart breaks itself against his ribs.

‘I’m really tired, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says eventually. ‘Tired of people telling me things they cannot prove.’

‘Then let me prove it.’

‘How are you going to do that, huh? Buy me flowers? Let me sleep in your huge ass bed after you fuck me?’

‘If that’s what you want, sure. But I don’t think it is.’

‘What do you think it is I want, then? Do you even know me?’

‘You said you want to be seen, and Jesus, Kihyun, I _can’t look away_. Don’t you get it? I had so many chances to leave but I didn’t. Why would I leave now when I’ve already lost everything else? Everything that I know about you, every new thing I learn just makes it clearer to me how much I like you.’’

‘But who says I want this? Who says you can be trusted? How long and fulfilling was the relationship with your girlfriend before you ran into me?’

Changkyun shrugs under Kihyun’s scrutinising gaze. ‘A few years. But it wasn’t as fulfilling as you think. There was always something missing and I didn’t know what it was until I met you and now I – Yeri and I only worked because we were so used to each other but we were over even before I ran into you. I just didn’t realise and _god_ , how I wish I would’ve broken up with her first. You have every right to be mistrustful but I’m done being the asshole and I think if we both tried we could make this work. I know some part of you cares or you wouldn’t be standing here right now.’

Kihyun flicks his eyes away and back, the smallest form of giving in. ‘I’ve been trying not to care about you.’

‘Then stop. We can do this on your terms. Please, Kihyun. I’ll do whatever you want.’

Silence. Changkyun would beg on his knees if Kihyun asked him to but Kihyun just looks at him, cold and calculating. This isn’t going the way he planned it and he hasn’t even said all the things he wanted to – but this is Kihyun. Changkyun told Wonho he’d give up everything for him and that wasn’t a lie.

‘Do you want to go inside?’ Kihyun asks. Something in his posture changes and he looks more confident, more at ease somehow.

‘To talk?’

‘To fuck.’

Changkyun stares at him for a moment but Kihyun isn’t joking. ‘What?’

Kihyun doesn’t reply.

‘Don’t you think you’re avoiding difficult situations by making everything about sex? We should talk this out first,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun’s eyes are unrelenting. ‘You can either piss off or come inside. Make up your mind. I already know you want to.’

Kihyun is right, Changkyun wants to. Changkyun wants to kiss Kihyun one more time in case everything falls apart tomorrow. He wants to breathe in the scent that just belongs to Kihyun, wants to hear him whisper his name against his lips. He wants to hold Kihyun close and safe and most of all, he wants Kihyun to trust him. To love him back. To give up every protection he built up over years and never regret it.

Changkyun should say no. But he doesn’t.

Not much later, he finds himself pushed down onto the bed in the room above the club with Kihyun straddling him, naked from the waist down, lifting himself up and sinking back down on Changkyun’s cock, panting. Changkyun chokes on his breath, on unsaid words, on the wave of affection that surges up higher every time Kihyun meets his eyes. He’s so beautiful, breathing out little noises, with the light throwing his muscles and edges into sharp relief. His intensity is almost overwhelming and Changkyun feels guilty for doing this despite Kihyun being the one who offered. It feels like a cheap excuse to have Kihyun close and Changkyun can’t recover from being pushed away and pulled close again, a constant crash of _maybe – maybe not_ , no matter how good this feels. The ache never goes away, or the anxiety, or the nagging thought that this seems like the end. Of what, Changkyun isn’t sure. Of everything, maybe.

‘Stop – _ah_ – stop doing that,’ Kihyun says, slowing down. Changkyun brushes his thumbs over his hipbones but Kihyun slaps his hands away.

‘Stop what?’

‘Looking at me like that.’

‘You’re so beautiful.’

Kihyun stops moving completely and he looks flustered, almost scared. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘But you are.’

They just regard each other for a moment and Changkyun has never seen Kihyun look like this – candid, accessible. And then Kihyun leans down and kisses Changkyun gently, so different to every other time he’s ever kissed Changkyun, and Changkyun wonders if this is what it would feel like if Kihyun loved him, too. His heart is wild in his chest, even after Kihyun pulls away, and it’s too much and too little at once.

‘You don’t love me,’ Kihyun says, grinding down hard and Changkyun cries out softly. ‘You’ll never stay.’

‘What if I will?’

Kihyun starts to answer but Changkyun snaps his hips up and his mouth falls open in a silent moan instead. His lips are red from biting them so much and he looks down at Changkyun, chest flushed and heaving, pupils blown. One of his hands has found a way to Changkyun’s sternum and Changkyun likes the scrape of Kihyun’s fingernails on his skin. It feels like Kihyun is everywhere and it’s so good and so bitter he might cry.

Changkyun comes not much later, right after Kihyun, and maybe he does cry. Kihyun is kissing away the wetness on his face when he comes to, again so gentle, and it really doesn’t help.

‘You’re such a mess, Changkyun,’ Kihyun whispers, leaves another closed-mouthed kiss on his jaw and then pulls away.

‘Don’t leave, please don’t leave,’ Changkyun chokes out but Kihyun is already up to pull on his jeans. There’s urgency in his movements like he has to get away _right now_ and Changkyun’s heart hurts more the longer he thinks about it. (Because Kihyun still thinks he needs to run away. Because once again Changkyun has done the wrong thing; sleeping with Kihyun may have felt like closeness but it wasn’t. It doesn’t help anyone. It’s just another wall.)

‘I’m going to think about it,’ Kihyun says, voice low and rushed like he’s spilling a secret. Like if he doesn’t get it out fast enough he’ll never say it. ‘About this. You. I’ll come find you and we’ll talk one more time and if I tell you I don’t want this, you’ll leave me alone forever or I’ll hurt you. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t underestimate me and don’t think just because you’re rich and nice that you get everything in your life for free. That’s the last time I’ll try.’

Changkyun takes a shaky breath. Push and pull and never let go. ‘Thank you. For that chance.’

‘You might not deserve it,’ Kihyun says softly. ‘But maybe I do.’

Then he turns and leaves Changkyun on the bed without looking back and Changkyun lets him go.

 

Jooheon and Changkyun are both standing in front of the printer. It’s Changkyun’s second day back at work and he has nothing to print, but it’s the easiest way to inform Jooheon without having to wait for lunch break. He still feels ashamed for what happened with Kihyun but for now he still has a chance and that has to be enough.

Jooheon gives him a sour glance. ‘Will you actually leave him alone if he asks you to?’

‘It didn’t sound like I’d have a choice,’ Changkyun replies. ‘Do you think he will?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t know whether I should hope he will. What happens if he says okay to a relationship? There’ll be a lot to figure out and I’m not sure if you know what you’re signing up for.’

‘I’ve seen his house, Jooheon, I _know_.’

‘And I’m not sure you’ll be able to keep him.’

‘That’s encouraging.’

‘I’m just saying that you should consider the option. I’m trying to protect you here.’

But it’s late for that and they both know it.

 

A week later, Changkyun gets home to find his apartment door ajar.

His heart is in his throat immediately. Burglars? How would they have gotten past the main entrance? Should he call the police?

But what if it’s Kihyun? Maybe he made a decision. Changkyun wouldn’t be surprised if he knew how to pick locks.

He supresses the urge to push the door open and sneaks forward, peeking in, trying not to make a sound. The narrow strip of vision shows him just a slice of his entrance area but that’s enough to make dread crawl down his back like iced water.

His apartment is in shambles.

Changkyun pushes the door open and takes in the damage. Every plate, every glass, every mug he owned is in shards on the kitchen tiles. A big fat ‘CHEATER’ is spelled out on one of the walls, written with something that looks like coal. His ukulele is lying on the coffee table, a mess of splinters and snapped strings. There are feathers everywhere from the ripped pillows.

Of course. Of _course_.

He should have been more suspicious when Yeri left so quietly but this is what he gets for being distracted.

She was thorough and Changkyun can’t blame her. He hurt her. Of course she would try to hurt him, too.

She managed. Changkyun crouches down next to the kitchen counter, shell-shocked, and carefully picks up a shard of his favourite mug. His mum had bought it for him on a market so many years ago it seems like a different life time. It’s the mug Changkyun had given Kihyun his coffee in when he first came over and every time after. Gone now. Rendered useless.

Everything, fragmented. Everything, broken.

There’s the crunch of a stiletto heel on glass behind him and Changkyun whips around. Yeri is coming out of his bedroom. Yeri, whose hair is shorter now, dressed in an expensive looking black dress, rage and satisfaction in her eyes.

‘H-How did you get in here?’ Changkyun asks weakly.

She smiles. ‘Forgot to hand in the spare key.’

‘I’m going to call the police,’ Changkyun says.

‘You won’t. You’re a coward, Changkyun. It’s kind of incredible that you had the courage to cheat on me with a fucking prostitute. Who also happens to be a _boy_.’

Changkyun can only gape at her. She strolls through the apartment, notes the still only half-painted walls, kicks aside a plastic cup, then leans against the couch’s arm rest.

There’s no way Yeri found Kihyun. No way. It can’t be true.

‘He’s not a prostitute,’ Changkyun says quietly.

‘He made himself sound like one,’ Yeri replies. ‘He sure had guts to talk to me the way he did. More than you ever did, I’ll give him that. Defensive little beast.’

‘What do you want?’

‘I just wanted to see your face when you walked in.’

‘Well, you can leave now.’

Changkyun needs her gone. He needs to call Wonho, see if he has heard anything from Kihyun. Changkyun asks himself what Yeri’s said to him if it’s really him she found, and if that means his last chance with him just got ruined. He wonders if Yeri _did_ anything to him and the thought stings like a slap.

‘I can’t believe I thought you were straight for all those years,’ Yeri says casually. ‘I should’ve realised it when you bought those leather pants.’

‘Yeri, get out.’

‘I hope he was worth it. Or do I? Not really. But don’t worry, I can be very convincing. You can have a fresh start with no one around who loves you. A clean slate.’ She smiles again.

‘What did you tell him?’

‘I know he was going to meet you.’ Yeri looks up and her eyes are dark. She gives him a grin full of pity. ‘I know what he was going to say. I don’t think it’s what you wanted to hear and now you won’t have to.’

Changkyun stares at her while the words take a moment to register in his brain. And then his veins are on fire. ‘What did you _do_?’

Yeri just laughs. It takes a full minute until she comes to her senses and there’s something sharp in her expression that Changkyun has never seen before. She’s changed a lot in the months they haven’t seen each other, he realises. It’s like seeing a stranger with a familiar face.

‘Did you really think you would actually get a relationship out of cheating?’ Yeri says. ‘Grow _up_ , Changkyun. Even you can’t be that stupid.’

She’s right and it hurts. Maybe it never stopped hurting and Changkyun just got good at ignoring it, but now the wound is bleeding. He’s sorry, he is. He will never _stop_ being sorry and it’s never going to be enough.

‘No need to thank me, baby,’ Yeri says. ‘I’m just sparing you the embarrassment.’

Changkyun frowns. ‘But – but why? Why did you have to go find him? Isn’t this enough revenge?’

‘Because if you had asked me to marry you,’ Yeri says and there are angry tears glossing her eyes now despite her calm voice. ‘I would have said yes. But you went and _ruined_ it, because of some slutty _boy_ who probably sucks dick for dinner because he can’t afford anything else –’

‘Shut up.’ Changkyun’s blood is on fire. His whole vision is burning and it’s really hard to stay put, to not force Yeri out of this place, out of his life.

‘Did _you_ just tell _me_ to shut up?’ Yeri snaps. Her voice is poison, it’s fuel, it’s hatred. ‘I wanted to know if she was any better than me, okay? If she was any more beautiful. Imagine my face when I find out it’s a fucking twink with silver hair who works at a rundown bar and scrapes lost change from under the tables. Imagine finding out that your boyfriend of four years isn’t actually as straight as he told you he was and that he ditched you for some, some disgusting _fantasy_ because he didn’t have the balls to tell you. How would you feel, Changkyun? Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t want to know. You can be fucking grateful this is everything I could think of doing. But you know what? I think you screwed yourself over the worst. You lost a girl you never deserved, who was willing to do everything for you, and you threw that away to hand your heart to a fucking slut from the streets who would sell you for the cheapest line of coke. He has the stench of desperation attached to him and you still – whatever. _Whatever_. I hope you regret this every single day of your life.’

Yeri drops the keys on the floor, throws Changkyun one last terrible look. ‘Bye, Changkyun. Have fun with the mess that is your _pathetic_ existence.’

Crunch, crunch, a door being slammed. Silence. Changkyun’s ears are ringing with his violent pulse. He looks down and realises he’s still holding the shard. The edge has cut into the skin of his palm. The wound is not deep but not superficial either, and Changkyun watches the blood pool in his hand before his vision blurs.

Everything, in pieces.

 

Changkyun goes to the only place that really feels like shelter – his parents’ house – and tells them the truth. They take it better than Changkyun thought they would. His mum doesn’t disown him but lets him know that he deserved Yeri’s outrage. His father tells him he’s a disgrace to the family. They both won’t talk to him for two days but they let him sleep in his old room and steal leftovers out of the fridge.

He hears nothing from Wonho, either. Changkyun had called him and told him what happened, and Wonho had promised he’d let Changkyun know if Kihyun said anything. But nothing.

Changkyun knows he’ll have to go back to his apartment at some point and clean it up but right now he can’t. He can’t even think of it. He doesn’t know why it feels so terrible; Yeri’s been right about all the things she’s said about him and he knows everything is his fault.

Maybe it’s the visibility of it. Changkyun really thought things could only get better and then Yeri showed up and ruined him more. Robbed him of the last chance he had with Kihyun because there’s no way Kihyun will show up after being confronted like that. And Changkyun isn’t even allowed to be angry about it because his actions are the stem of this whole disaster.

On the third day, Changkyun’s mother calls him out of this room. She looks at him sternly, the disappointment still evident, and gestures for him to sit down at the kitchen table.

‘I know it’s hard for you, too,’ she says. ‘But at some point you have to pull yourself together and stop wallowing in self-pity. If you’re anything like the son I raised you to be, you’ll go out there and work harder to be a better person.’

‘I won’t do anything like that ever again,’ Changkyun says quietly.

‘The person you talked to me about the other week… is that the person you cheated on Yeri with?’

Changkyun nods.

‘Was he worth it?’

His mother’s eyes are demanding and it’s hard to meet them but Changkyun tries. ‘There’s only one correct answer, is there?’

‘The correct answer is the truth.’

‘He was. Is. I don’t know. I wish I would have done things differently but if this was the only way I could ever meet him, I’d do it again.’

Changkyun’s mum takes a deep breath. ‘I don’t know if I should consider that good or bad.’

‘If it’s any comfort to you, I’ll probably never see him again.’

‘Perhaps this is a lesson for you, Changkyun. Perhaps you needed to lose something to realise that sometimes being content _means_ being happy.’

Or perhaps the lesson was that some things might be worth the risk, even when the stakes are high and the outcome worse.

 

On day four, Jooheon picks Changkyun up and takes him to his apartment.

‘Damn,’ Jooheon breathes out from the middle of the chaos, leaning on his broom. ‘Yeri wasn’t playing around.’

Changkyun shrugs. ‘I guess she had some pent-up anger.’

‘You could say that.’

‘I don’t even know where to start…’

‘I think you should move,’ Jooheon says. ‘I think you need a fresh start, my dude. If you don’t want to live alone, you could move in with me.’

Changkyun considers that. It’s a tempting offer but also a burdening one. ‘I think I need to be alone for a while.’

‘That’s fair.’

Quiet. Changkyun still hasn’t fully realised that he’ll probably never see Yeri again. Or Kihyun.

He’ll never see him again, either. Changkyun has invested so much into the thought that there might be a future with him in some form that reality feels alien. The possibility was always there, yes. The doubt. It was always more likely a no than a yes. And yet.

And yet.

‘Jesus Christ, you need to stop thinking about him,’ Jooheon says and lightly hits Changkyun with his broom. ‘Get on with it or we’ll never finish.’

Changkyun sighs. ‘Just give me a second.’

Changkyun feels Jooheon’s mistrustful gaze follow him as he goes to the bathroom. But he’s just going to say goodbye. For good, this time.

Wonho picks up at the fourth ring. ‘Oh, hey, Changkyun.’

‘Hey, Wonho. I’m really sorry for bothering you but it’s the last time, I swear. Could you… could you tell Kihyun I’m sorry? About Yeri and, and everything that happened, really.’

There’s a long pause and Changkyun feels like his words are echoing from the tiled walls. The mirror’s cracked. Thanks, Yeri.

‘You know, maybe I would,’ Wonho says. ‘But I don’t know where Kihyun is. I haven’t seen him in a while.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah. He’s not at his house or at work or anywhere, really. I think he’s taking a break from everything.’

‘Oh.’

‘Don’t worry about him, Changkyun. He’ll show up again.’

‘Can you do me a favour and tell me when he’s back?’

Another pause. Wonho sighs and Changkyun knows he’s not going to like the answer. ‘Listen, Changkyun, I think you’re a great guy and I like you but it seems Kihyun made his decision and if I keep updating on you on his life you’ll never be able to let this go. What happened to ‘this is the last time’? I think we shouldn’t contact each other for a while. Just until you forget, alright?’

Changkyun thinks of a billion things that could be happening to Kihyun right now and he’d never know because Wonho won’t tell him.

‘Please,’ Changkyun says and he’s almost embarrassed by how small his voice is. ‘Please just let me know when he shows back up and I will never bother you again with this.’

‘Just this once,’ Wonho says.

‘Yes. Thank you.’

‘No worries. Take care.’ Wonho hangs up.

‘You know, Changkyun,’ Jooheon says from the other side of the door and Changkyun flinches. ‘Everyone knows by now that you never mean it when you say you’ll never do it again.’

 

So this is how it ends. Changkyun is standing in the middle of his apartment, now empty, furniture shipped to his new flat in Gangnam or sold to a new home. It’s been weird to pack his life into boxes; he’s found so much of Yeri’s stuff but he threw all of that away. He threw everything away that reminded him of anyone. (Of Kihyun.)

He didn’t have that much left when he started unpacking in his new place.

But it feels good. It feels right. It feels like he’s finally drawing the line and a little like waking up from one of those dreams that felt too real. He’s leaving the messy bits of his past behind, starting again with almost no baggage.

Almost.

Because it’s been two weeks and while Changkyun has mostly accepted that everything with Kihyun is over, he hasn’t stopped worrying about his whereabouts.

Maybe Wonho just forgot to tell him. Maybe he never planned on doing so. Maybe Kihyun never came back.

Changkyun sits down in the sun spot in what used to be his kitchen and texts Wonho. There’s no reply and Changkyun eventually gets up and leaves. Tomorrow he’ll come back to show the apartment to potential buyers, a newly engaged couple. That could have been him and Yeri. It could have been him and Kihyun.

It’s hard to let go even with nothing tying them to him anymore.

 

Changkyun is sitting on his new couch when his phone vibrates. Everything still feels unfamiliar; the light is never right when he wakes up. He keeps misplacing his charger. There's a different neighbourhood with different people when he looks out the window and it's so strange.

**Wonho**

Found Kihyun

 

**Changkyun**

Thank god

Is he alright?

 

**Wonho**

Yeah

………

No :(

But he will be, don’t worry

Remember it’s not your business anymore

 

Changkyun sighs and leans back into the cushions. He doesn’t even remember tensing up.

Not his business, that’s right. He wonders how much longer he’ll need until it will feel like that, too. Especially now, knowing he could help but isn’t allowed to.

Won’t ever be allowed to.

Concentrating on TV is impossible now, so Changkyun gets up to distract himself with paperwork instead. Contracts, client details, numbers. There’s comfort in the regularity of it. It’s easy and familiar and it keeps the helpless anxiety at bay, at least for a few hours.

But then Changkyun’s phone rings and it’s Wonho and Changkyun knocks his mouse off the table in his hurry to answer.

‘Hello?’

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Wonho?’

It’s Kihyun. His voice is both slurred and sharp, like he’s drunk but too angry to give in, and it cuts through Changkyun’s ribcage like a hot blade.

‘Kihyun, oh my God, where were you, I’m so sorry, what –’

‘Where _I_ was? Where were _you_ , Changkyun? I went to your apartment _twice_ and you weren’t, weren’t there and I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t find you, I couldn’t – couldn’t –’

‘Breathe,’ Changkyun says, heartrate spiking. Kihyun’s voice is terrible even through the speaker. Desperate. It takes Changkyun too long to realise what he’s even saying and when he finally does, Kihyun is hyperventilating on the other side and there’s nothing Changkyun can do. ‘What do you mean you were at my apartment? Where are you now?’

‘I _told_ you I’d – I’d come find you, I needed to _talk_ , but you, you weren’t _there_ and you didn’t come back, and I didn’t know, everything is _so much_ and your fucking girlfriend – and my mum – it’s just – it’s so _hard_ , Changkyun, it’s, it’s i-impossible, I just can’t do it –’

‘It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here now, it’s fine. Where are you, Kihyun? Can I come get you?’ Nothing is okay. ‘Are you with Wonho?’

‘No – stole his phone.’

‘Where are you?’

‘Changkyun, I need – I, I need –’

‘I know,’ Changkyun says, grabbing his keys. ‘But I need you to tell me where you are.’

‘I don’t know –’

‘Send me your location if that’s easier for you. Can you do that?’

Nothing.

‘Kihyun?’

Kihyun hangs up. By now Changkyun is standing in front of his car, phone pressed to his ear so hard it hurts. He doesn’t remember going here and he doesn’t know where to go now, but he slides into the leather seat anyway and calls Wonho’s phone again.

No one picks up, but Changkyun finds a notification flashing up on his screen.

Kihyun did send him his location.

 

Changkyun almost doesn’t see him, sitting on the curb, small and nondescript. There’s a cigarette between his fingers that glows slightly when Changkyun hits the brakes and rolls down his window. ‘Kihyun. God, it’s good to see you. Can you get in?’

Kihyun is unsteady on his feet when he gets up and it takes him two tries until he gets the car door open. He looks like a ghost - skin waxen, cheeks hollow, hood pulled over greasy hair. He’s made of contrasts, hard lines, empty spaces, and Changkyun wonders what happened to him. He just wants to pull him close and tell him it’s okay but Kihyun looks so distant even when he’s sitting right there. He won’t meet Changkyun’s eyes.

‘Do you want me to take you somewhere?’ Changkyun asks softly. ‘Do you want to see Wonho?’

Kihyun shakes his head, doesn’t say anything. He’s gone limp in the seat.

‘I’m taking you to my place. Is that alright?’

Kihyun nods.

The drive is so quiet and Kihyun’s eyes are closed when Changkyun glances over. He has so many questions but Kihyun doesn’t seem capable or willing to answer them right now, and Changkyun has no idea what to do.

‘Stop,’ Kihyun says suddenly, urgently, jolting in his seat. ‘Changkyun –’

Kihyun has the door thrown open before the car even stops completely, leaning over to retch violently. Changkyun doesn’t think he’ll ever forget that sound or the image that follows: Kihyun leaning back, wiping spit from his chin with the back of his hand, pupils blown and unfocused. He’s so out of it that Changkyun thinks he must be on something.

‘That’s better,’ Kihyun says roughly.

‘What did you take?’ Changkyun asks. The lamp at the ceiling of the car throws shitty light over Kihyun, sharpens his cheekbones so much they look unhealthy. Or maybe he lost weight. Kihyun has never been tall but he looks so fragile now, drowning in his clothes.

‘Nothing,’ Kihyun says.

‘Don’t lie.’

‘Nothing _much_. Jesus, you people make such a big deal out of everything.’

‘Do you want to tell me what happened to you?’

Kihyun glances at him. ‘Life happened. Are you gonna take me home or nah?’

_Home_. Changkyun starts the car again and pulls back onto the road. Kihyun starts fumbling with the radio until he finds a station he likes and tells Changkyun he misses singing. He doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride, no matter what Changkyun asks.

 

Changkyun is making fried eggs in his new kitchen when Kihyun comes out of the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed in Changkyun’s favourite hoodie. (It’s probably not a good idea to keep giving Kihyun his favourite things. One day Changkyun won’t own anything that _doesn’t_ remind him of Kihyun.)

‘I like your new shower,’ Kihyun says. ‘The pressure’s better.’

Changkyun hands Kihyun the plate, trying to keep his hands from trembling, trying not to look at him too much. He does it anyway. Kihyun’s hair is darker when it’s wet, all black and no silver, and he seems clearer now. He’s hiding his hands in the oversized sleeves of the hoodie and scoots onto one of Changkyun’s chairs like he’s been here a million times. It looks so normal but feels so extraordinary and Changkyun wants every bit of this. He wants to make eggs for Kihyun every day. He wants to see Kihyun wearing his clothes all the time. He wants him close and protected and clear and at ease.

Changkyun _wants_ this.

He’s already thinking about what will happen when Kihyun leaves. Changkyun didn’t expect to ever see him again but now he did – does – and his resolve is crumbling fast. His acceptance that it’s over. He can’t do this anymore, this back and forth. He needs to ask for an answer but he’s so scared that it will be the wrong one and of what it will do to him.

Kihyun inhales the food like a starving wolf. Changkyun makes two more eggs, heats some leftover rice in the microwave to go along with it, and Kihyun eats everything without comment. Changkyun bites the questions off his tongue. Later. They’ll talk later.

‘You can sleep here if you want to,’ Changkyun offers.

Kihyun gets up with the dishes, puts them into the dishwasher and comes back to the table. He doesn’t look like he’s thinking about going anywhere. To be honest, he looks like he just doesn’t care anymore. ‘Okay.’

Changkyun nods. He doesn’t know where to go from here. Kihyun had sounded so helpless on the phone but seems fine now and Changkyun doesn’t know what’s real anymore.

‘Thank you for the food,’ Kihyun says and wanders off. Adrenaline flares in Changkyun’s system but he doesn’t leave. He opens the wrong door before he finds the bedroom and then vanishes in there with a ‘goodnight, Changkyun.’

Changkyun remains at the table, breathless with his nervous heartbeat. He didn’t relax since Kihyun called and he sure as hell isn’t going to sleep tonight, even if he could. The risk that he’ll wake up to an empty apartment is too high and he needs Kihyun to stay, to tell him what happened, to give him an answer to the question Changkyun’s been asking for months.

He switches the TV on for background noise, finds Kihyun’s clothes in the bathroom, neatly folded in a stack on the floor, and puts them in the washing machine. It’s 2:34 am now. Changkyun makes coffee, watches a movie without ever really getting what it’s about, moves Kihyun’s clothes to the dryer.

At five am, the bedroom door opens and Kihyun emerges, drunk with sleepiness, and uses the bathroom. He sees Changkyun on the couch when he comes out and trudges over.

‘You should sleep,’ Kihyun says hoarsely.

‘I can’t.’

Kihyun jerks his chin towards the bedroom. ‘Come on.’

Changkyun follows him, watches him crawl under the covers like every dream image Changkyun made up. He’s just going to stay until Kihyun is asleep, he tells himself.

‘Are you scared I’ll run off?’ Kihyun asks quietly.

‘Yeah,’ Changkyun says. ‘Always.’

‘Don’t be.’

_That’s easy to say when you’re the one who always leaves_ , Changkyun wants to answer, but Kihyun takes his hand and pulls him down.

‘I’ll still be here tomorrow. I’m tired of running and I have things to say,’ Kihyun says. His hand is so warm. Changkyun wants to hold on forever. ‘Trust me.’

Trust. That’s what it’s been about all this time, hasn’t it? And that’s all it takes sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys we're almost there now
> 
> sorry this chapter was a bit late, I had to rewrite it like three times and I don't know if it makes sense anymore so yeah. 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading and let me know what you think <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (lil tw for mentions of death, violence & drugs)

Changkyun jolts awake. It feels like he hasn’t slept at all and it’s that weird timeless sensation between being awake and asleep that makes it seem like he’s alone in the whole universe.

His bed is empty.

Changkyun closes his eyes again. Of course. What a fool he was to think Kihyun would stay. His heart is so heavy with loss that it feels like it’s sinking right through to the floor, anchoring him to the mattress.

He thought he was ready. Maybe he was, before Kihyun called.

But the thing about Kihyun is that Changkyun can never say no to him when he should, can never keep control, can never swallow down the tiny light of hope that still glows no matter how futile.

Changkyun wants to go back to sleep and remain unconscious for a little while longer but it’s not even worth trying. He forces himself out of bed instead, drags himself through the door, makes for the bathroom to wash off the sadness.

Spots Kihyun at his kitchen sink.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun breathes out.

Kihyun jerks so hard he almost drops the plate he’s washing. He’s still wearing Changkyun’s clothes and he looks unbearably tense, every movement agitated and twitchy.

Changkyun’s so relieved he could cry. ‘I thought you left.’

‘I told you I wouldn’t,’ Kihyun replies and goes back to frantically polishing the plate.

Changkyun crosses the room and gently takes the dish away from him. Kihyun’s hands are shaking. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ Kihyun says and hesitates. ‘Everything.’

He meets Changkyun’s eyes and the fear is so apparent in his gaze, the anxiety. Changkyun can’t bear to look at him but he can’t look away, so he opens his arms instead and Kihyun falls against him, warm and familiar but so, so thin. The fact that Kihyun takes this invitation at all is a small miracle, or maybe it just shows how bad things must be.

‘It’s okay,’ Changkyun says against Kihyun’s nape. The baby hairs there are tickling his nose and he feels every jerky breath Kihyun takes against his chest, but this is right. This is how it should be. ‘It’s okay, I’ll help you.’

‘I don’t need your help.’

There’s a silence and it’s painfully obvious to both of them how much Kihyun does. It came out like a reflex. Layers and layers.

‘I don’t want you to help,’ Kihyun clarifies and pulls back.

‘Why not?’

Kihyun doesn’t seem to have an answer to that. He studies the floor, fidgets with his hands, looks like he’s barely holding it together. Changkyun has seen Kihyun cry and throw up and rage, but he’s never seen him look this vulnerable.

‘I would have said no,’ Kihyun says. ‘To everything. You know, before Yeri found me. I sacrificed a whole night to wait in front of your apartment but you weren’t there and I, I would have told you I don’t want this and then I would have left.’

Changkyun swallows. ‘And… and now?’

‘Now I _have_ to say no.’

‘What?’

‘It’s – I have a lot on my plate right now and you’ll offer your money to help and it will seem like I’m taking advantage of you, or like you bought me and I can’t – I don’t want that to happen. I cannot be dependent on you. And I know this, this _sucks_ right now, but it’s the way things are.’

Changkyun stares, waits for Kihyun’s words to make sense. But they don’t. Kihyun just stands there, looking like he’s fighting tooth and nail to keep it together and Changkyun wants, just for one moment, for him to be carefree. He deserves it.

‘But what if,’ Changkyun says. ‘What if I don’t care what it looks like? Why do _you_ care? Isn’t the question whether or not you like me enough to try this? Whether or not you _want_ this?’

‘I want a lot of things I can never have,’ Kihyun says. ‘And right now I’m not in a position to let myself want something like this.’

‘Kihyun...’

‘Changkyun, you don’t _know_ , okay? Life is so fucking easy for you and you don’t get how hard it is sometimes to owe someone.’

‘Then why are you still here? Why do you keep letting me come back? Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you want me out of your life and if that’s the truth then I’ll – I’ll leave you alone. Just tell me now.’

But Kihyun doesn’t. He looks at the floor, wrings his hands, keeps quiet, but maybe that’s an answer, too.

Hope is a traitor. Changkyun’s whole ribcage is on fire with it.

‘Sometimes you have to let yourself want things,’ he says softly. ‘Especially when you _know_ you can get them.’

‘But can I keep them? That’s a different story,’ Kihyun replies.

‘Some things are worth the risk.’

‘The word ‘risk’ means something different to you than to me.’

‘Come on, it’s not that different. And I’m not the one who runs away. What is there to lose?’

‘Everything,’ Kihyun says without hesitation. ‘I mean, I’m literally the only thing I have control over. If I give myself away, what else is there?’

‘I’m not asking you to give yourself away. A relationship isn’t a – a _cage_ or something, it’s just two people who like each other being with each other. It’s not that complicated and I would never hurt – maybe think of it like this: what is there to _gain_?’

Changkyun can practically see Kihyun calculating the stakes. He feels like he’s so close now, so close to Kihyun accepting that what they could have is right, that he could have it without being afraid. Changkyun wants it so badly he can physically feel it.

‘I don’t know if that’s worth everything,’ Kihyun says. ‘And I don’t think you know what you’d sign up for.’

‘I don’t care. Here’s a simple question: do you like me? Please be honest. If the answer is no, I’ll leave you alone. If the answer is yes, it’s that easy. Okay?’

Kihyun doesn’t say anything again and Changkyun is about to go insane. It’s like trying to catch a fish with bare hands. Like luring a shy animal out of its shelter. Changkyun isn’t sure if he’s even on the right track anymore – but he has to be. Kihyun is still here. Kihyun is thinking about it. Changkyun’s so close to the end or the beginning and his skin prickles with it, the anticipation, the sheer longing for a specific answer.

‘Do you like me, Kihyun?’ he asks again.

Kihyun inhales, exhales, like he’s letting something go. Maybe he is. He looks up and his eyes are dark.

‘So much,’ he breathes out.

Changkyun thinks he’s going to faint with the thickness of emotion inside him, even though there’s a ‘but’ hanging in the air. Right in this second it doesn’t matter what else Kihyun is going to say. Right now Kihyun likes him and Changkyun’s heart is a hummingbird in his chest.

‘But that doesn’t mean anything,’ Kihyun dismisses. ‘Because we’re leading very different lives and always will be and I, I don’t know how to be with someone like this and it’s – it’s too difficult right now.’

‘Why is it too difficult? You can just try. There’s time to figure everything out.’

‘No, I _can’t_ ,’ Kihyun says and closes his eyes. ‘Because if I try, I’ll want to keep it and I can give up a lot of things but I don’t think I could give up this. Do you understand? I’ve never – I never let anything become this important and I, I don’t think I could lose this.’

This is everything Changkyun wanted to hear, _needed_ to hear, and yet it’s all wrong. All backwards. It’s Kihyun being honest but taking the wrong consequences and Changkyun feels everything slip away. ‘So you won’t even try?’

Kihyun opens his eyes and they are glossy. ‘I wish I could.’

‘You won’t lose me.’

‘You can’t promise that.’

‘Please, Kihyun.’

But Kihyun squares his shoulders and walks right past Changkyun. ‘I’m going to go to work now, but I’ll come back later and we’ll talk more. I need – some space to think.’

‘What? What if you freak out and run away instead?’

‘You’ll just have to trust me.’

‘Can I drive you to work?’

‘I’m fine.’

Changkyun follows Kihyun to the door. He wants to kiss him one more time. He wants him to stay. He needs someone here to tell him all of this is real. If he lets him go now he might never see him again and trust is a fragile thing between the two of them.

But Kihyun leaves with a wave over his shoulder and doesn’t look back.

 

‘I’m staying,’ Jooheon says, crossing his arms where he sits on Changkyun’s couch. Changkyun regretted calling him the second Jooheon decided to come over but now the damage is done. ‘Try and kick me out, I dare you. We both know who’s stronger.’

‘Jooheon, please.’ Changkyun has been begging for five minutes, ever since he finished telling Jooheon what happened. ‘He might freak if he sees you here and I can’t afford that right now. Plus he said we’d talk more and it’s just –’

‘I’m meeting him, end of story. I won’t stay long, I promise, but this has been going on for too long and this sounds dangerously close to an actual thing, so I _will_ check him out first.’

Changkyun groans. ‘Jesus Christ. Just – don’t be embarrassing.’

‘ _You_ are saying that to _me_?!’

‘ _Please_ , Jooheon!’

‘Ugh. Whatever.’

‘I shouldn’t have let you in. You know I won’t care what you say, even if you think he’s Satan personified.’

‘It will ease my mind, though. You’re different since all of that happened and I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad change. I’m just trying to look out for you.’

Changkyun sits down next to Jooheon and leans back. ‘I appreciate that, but I’m not sure if this is a good idea…’

The truth is Changkyun is a little terrified. Kihyun and Jooheon meeting each other feels more serious than it should, almost as bad as introducing Kihyun to his mother would be. Kihyun might jump to conclusions. He might feel less certain about everything with a stranger in his face and maybe he’d bolt – and that’s the last thing Changkyun wants to happen.

And Jooheon – Changkyun has been a terrible friend in the last few months and Jooheon has only ever tried to help. He’s trying to help now and he has every right to snap at Changkyun but it’s difficult. Everything is so complicated.

‘Once this is over,’ Changkyun says, ‘no matter which way it ends, I’m taking you out for dinner.’

Jooheon raises his eyebrows. ‘Finally recognising my efforts?’

‘I’m really sorry for being such a mess.’

‘Even though this apology is tremendously late, I will accept it.’

They are quiet for a moment.

‘He might not come back,’ Changkyun says. He’s been trying not to think about it since the door fell closed behind Kihyun but it’s hard to ignore. Time is ticking and it’s already past ten.

‘You’ve said this three times already,’ Jooheon reprimands him. ‘Don’t be such a cry baby.’

‘Sorry.’

There’s a tentative knock on the door and Changkyun nearly jumps out of his skin.

‘Why doesn’t he just ring the doorbell like a normal person?’ Jooheon says while Changkyun gets up.

Kihyun looks neutral. In control. Hidden away, like always when things get important. ‘Hey.’

‘Hi. Um, before you come in, let me just say I tried to get rid of him but it didn’t work. I’m really sorry.’ Changkyun steps back and Kihyun follows him inside, eyes narrowed.

There’s a moment of heavy silence while Jooheon and Kihyun regard each other. Changkyun isn’t sure whose expression to watch: Jooheon’s blatant curiosity or Kihyun’s distrust.

‘This is Jooheon,’ Changkyun says. ‘Colleague and best friend. Don’t ask why he’s here.’

‘I’m here to meet you, obviously,’ Jooheon says, ignoring Changkyun.

‘Why would you want to?’ Kihyun asks. He walks past Changkyun and leans against the arm chair that’s next to the couch. The tension in the room is like an oil spill. It would take just one spark.

‘Changkyun’s completely obsessed with you and that made me curious,’ Jooheon replies.

Changkyun feels his face heat up. ‘I told you not to be embarrassing.’

‘I’m not the one who’s ruining his own life,’ Jooheon gives back.

‘You think I’m ruining his life?’ Kihyun asks.

‘No, that’s mostly Changkyun on his own.’

Kihyun looks like he’s two seconds away from smiling. This day couldn’t possibly be more confusing. ‘Do you hate me?’

‘I don’t know you,’ Jooheon says. ‘Yet. I just know that Changkyun fucked up a lot of things because of you.’

‘So, what? Do you want to quiz me?’ Kihyun asks. ‘Feel out my intentions? Clarify whether or not I’ll hurt him?’

Jooheon shrugs. ‘Would you give me answers?’

‘No.’

‘That’s unfortunate.’

And then Kihyun does smile and the tension dissolves. He sits down in the arm chair, hugging his knees to his chest. ‘Tell me something embarrassing about Changkyun.’

‘Oh boy, where do I start?’ Jooheon rubs his hands together and Changkyun groans into his palm.

 

Jooheon stayed longer than he should have. At the door, he leaned close to Changkyun and said, ‘Don’t think I haven’t noticed that Kihyun is wearing your clothes,’ and Changkyun blushed.

‘I’m really sorry,’ Changkyun says when he sits back down on the couch.

‘Don’t be. He was nice.’ Kihyun looks relaxed where he’s slouching in the arm chair but that might just be a façade.

Changkyun is so tired of trying to get a glimpse of the truth. So tired of running after Kihyun and asking the same questions over and over and never getting a straight answer. So tired of feeling like this will never be over.

‘So, have you thought about it?’ he asks. The answer might kill him but at least he’ll know. At some point it has to end, whether he wants it to or not, and there’s still hope. Misplaced, possibly, but it keeps him alive.

‘Kind of.’

‘What does that mean?’

Kihyun sighs. ‘Life is very, very hard right now for me. It’s just too much.’

‘What exactly is going on that’s too much?’

‘Everything,’ Kihyun says. They look at each other for a moment and then, finally, Kihyun caves.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ he says. ‘My mother’s in rehab. I couldn’t just stand by and watch anymore but I have to pay for that with money I don’t have. I work every job I can find, no matter how, how _degrading_. I work every second that I’m awake. And then your ex shows up, gets me kicked out of the shop, slaps me and says all these things about you – and I really wanted to talk to you and you, you weren’t there.’

‘It’s okay,’ Changkyun says but he’s not sure if he believes it. He wants to take Kihyun’s hand and say it over and over again until it’s true.

Kihyun grabs a pillow and presses it against his stomach. ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this because – because you’ll offer your money like I’m something you can _buy_ , like everything is solved once I’m another pretty thing in your collection of expensive shit and I’ll never know if I really matter or if you just like having this power over me –’

‘Kihyun.’

‘– and I have to pay bills and I’ll lose the house and if my mother doesn’t die in the clinic she’ll come back to live on the streets and that will kill her for sure, and I have _nothing_ , Changkyun. I had to give up every single joy and then you –‘ Kihyun takes a stuttering breath and Changkyun’s vision is spinning.

He feels like he’s standing on a carpet that’s being jerked into different directions from every corner and he struggles to keep his balance.

‘If you let me,’ he says. ‘If you let me I’ll pay for rehab.’

‘See, this is _exactly_ why I didn’t want to tell you.’

‘I know you’re not something to be bought. You can pay me back over time. Please just let me do this for you.’

‘I’m not a fucking _charity_.’

‘I’d never treat you like one. I just want to help someone I love.’

They look at each other and Changkyun can see Kihyun crumble, can see every wall he’s built break under the pressure.

‘I could never ask that of you,’ Kihyun whispers.

‘I’m _offering_. Just say yes. Now is not the time to be proud. We can figure out everything else later.’

‘I’ll pay you back,’ Kihyun says miserably. His shoulders are trembling now, too, and his chin is scrunched up with the effort not to cry. ‘How can someone as kind as you fuck up so hard?’

Changkyun is so surprised by his own laugh that he chokes on it. ‘I don’t know.’

Kihyun is quiet for a while, eyes closed, eyebrows drawn, taking controlled breaths. Even now, even like this, he’s still the most beautiful person Changkyun’s ever met. If this ends, he was at least fortunate enough to have known him. Small comforts.

‘Also… what did you mean Yeri slapped you?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun shrugs. ‘She wasn’t happy about meeting me. I mean, I kind of get it.’

‘Jesus Christ, she’s taken things too far. She demolished my apartment, you know, and that was – that was fine, she should be angry at me, but _you_? It’s not even your fault – and now –‘

‘I’ve had a gun pointed at me; you think I care about a fucking slap?’ Kihyun snaps. ‘I just hate what she thinks of me. And it’s not like I didn’t know you were cheating on her. I mean, any time after the first time. There are no excuses for both of us.’

‘What do you mean you’ve had a gun pointed at you?!’

Kihyun smiles but it’s full of bitterness. ‘See? You have no fucking idea. Two thirds of me are in Seoul’s underground scene. Think you could handle that? Me being away for days because of shady business? Think you could trust me? I don’t think so.’

Changkyun shouldn’t be surprised, not with everything else he already knows. If he hadn’t tried so hard to romanticise this thing, he could probably have deduced something like this. ‘What… what is the other third?’

‘I work normal jobs, too.’

‘If - if you had the choice between the life you’re leading now and working only normal jobs, what would you choose?’

‘You really don’t understand that I don’t get to choose, do you?’

‘This is a theoretical situation.’

‘But you already know the answer. And I know you only asked because you’ll try to find some way to – to make it true or whatever. And I would never stop feeling guilty if you did.’

Changkyun sighs. He could do so much for Kihyun but his money isn’t worth anything if Kihyun won’t take it. ‘Fine.’

‘Are emotions always this exhausting?’

Changkyun smiles weakly. ‘Lately, yeah.’

They’ve been talking so much but Changkyun isn’t sure how much of it was actual progress. _If_ there was progress. Kihyun had been so honest, had told him some really important things – but Changkyun still isn’t sure if that means Kihyun will let him stay. He probably shouldn’t ask again. He doesn’t want to push Kihyun further than he already has. But then again, when will he get another chance? What else is there to ask? So much, really. There’s so much to consider. But the core of everything has already been said – Kihyun likes him – and maybe that’s enough.

‘Do you ever look back at what you’ve done and regret your choices?’ Kihyun asks. ‘Regret me?’

‘Maybe in the beginning. But now? Never enough to stop trying.’

Kihyun closes his eyes and lets his head fall against the back rest. ‘It’s nice that you think I’m worth all that trouble.’

‘You are.’

Kihyun doesn’t reply and Changkyun’s thoughts go in circles while the seconds drip into minutes. He thinks of Kihyun almost getting shot. Of him selling drugs to criminals, of his sad little house and his unconscious mother, of the way he’d grinned at Changkyun when they went to Lotte World together. It seems so far away. Things hadn’t been easy then, but they’d been easier than they are now.

But Kihyun is still here. No matter how Changkyun turns it, that has to mean something. His feelings for him are so overwhelming that he’s drowning in them.

‘Things don’t have to be so difficult,’ Changkyun says. ‘It costs nothing to love someone, you know?’

Kihyun opens his eyes and looks at him like he begs to differ but he doesn’t say anything, maybe because he knows Changkyun won’t be responsive. Maybe he’s thinking about it.

‘It’s been a really long time since I’ve been in a… normal relationship,’ he says quietly. ‘There would be rules. It would be slow. I wouldn’t change for you and maybe one day you’d realise this was a mistake. Maybe you’d realise it’s actually more fun to fuck girls. There are more possible reasons against this than there are in favour and the – the risks are high.’

‘Anything that’s okay for you would be okay for me,’ Changkyun replies.

‘I don’t like feeling like this,’ Kihyun says softly and Changkyun realises he’s crying. ‘I just feel so _worthless_ sitting in your fancy flat with your fancy TV, like there’s this _gap_ between us, and I could – I could never be enough to fit into your lifestyle and I shouldn’t even feel like this because _you_ ’re the one who fucked up, for god’s sake, but I still – and I want this  _so badly_ , Changkyun. I want it so much it hurts but I can’t have it and I shouldn’t have come back but I wanted to and I shouldn’t be talking to you anymore and now – now everything is weird and I really – really don’t know –’

Changkyun gets up and holds out his hand for Kihyun to take. His own face is wet now, too, and he really hopes there will be less emotional breakdowns in the future, whatever that future is. Changkyun’s had enough. And Kihyun – Kihyun had gone through even more. Always the strong one. Always the one who was able to say no when he had to, even though it was never often enough to push Changkyun away.

Kihyun hesitates, then takes his hand and lets himself be hauled up, pressing back against Changkyun when he pulls him closer. They are still the same height and Changkyun was always the skinny one, but Kihyun seems so small now, so slight.

‘I love you,’ Changkyun says quietly. ‘And you’ll always be enough.’

‘But _why_? Why _me_? I still don’t get why you would give up all this for someone – someone like me,’ Kihyun says.

‘You know, just because you can buy all these pretty things doesn’t mean they make you happy. I’m not complaining about my life, it’s just – it was fine. But it wasn’t right. So many people settle for being content instead of chasing happiness but I – I met you and I _had_ to try. Just because you’re you.’

Kihyun hugs him a little tighter and he’s so warm. So right. Changkyun wants this forever.

‘If we do this,’ Kihyun says, ‘it’s on my terms or not at all.’

And then his lips are on Changkyun’s throat, his jaw, the corner of his mouth. Changkyun feels like he’s flying or drowning, but either way he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe and Kihyun’s fingers are pulling on the fabric of his sweater and Changkyun has never felt this weightless, this lightheaded, like the smallest breeze would blow him away.

But Kihyun’s here to hold on to him. The core of everything.

Changkyun has made so many mistakes, has screwed up so much in his life, but he’s not going to do it anymore. If there’s a single thing that he wants to do right, it’s this. He might not deserve it, but Kihyun does. Kihyun, who tries so hard for so little in return.

‘It’s not difficult to like you,’ Kihyun says thickly. ‘Despite everything. It’s just difficult to accept it’s okay that I do.’

‘You’ll be fine.’

‘Maybe,’ Kihyun whispers and Changkyun kisses his temple. ‘Maybe just this once.’

 

Kihyun stays the night again but they don’t sleep. Instead, they sit on Changkyun’s bed and Kihyun writes down what’s okay for him and what isn’t on a piece of paper and then they discuss what they want out of this.

They spent so much time dancing around each other and hiding things away that it’s hard to be so open, but Changkyun forces himself to be. It takes more for Kihyun and he’s reluctant, tries to take everything back more than once but Changkyun recognises it as habitual anxiety and not real fear. This will be a problem for longer but it’s not hopeless. Not anymore.

It’s so strange, looking at Kihyun who sits cross-legged on Changkyun’s huge mattress, scribbling down notes with that stern expression he always has when he’s concentrating on something. It’s strange to think that Changkyun doesn’t have to be that scared of him running away anymore.

‘I know this is hard for you,’ Changkyun says. ‘But I want you to know that if – if you ever need anything, you can always ask me for help, no matter what it is. You don’t need to feel guilty for anything. I want this – I want us to be really open and honest about everything, okay?’

Kihyun gives him a strange look. ‘Look at you, trying so hard. All the girls out there would kill for someone like you but you decide to pick up a boy who feels like relationships are made of chains.’

‘You don’t get to choose who you fall for.’

‘I guess that’s true.’

‘So. Are you going to trust me?’

Kihyun pushes his tongue against his cheek. ‘I thought I was really good at shutting people out, you know? But somehow… it’s difficult to say no to you. And I really tried. But I trust you. I want to. Please don’t make me regret it.’

‘I won’t.’

Changkyun forgets to breathe when Kihyun leans over to kiss him, just a short gentle press against his lips. Nothing to get excited about, really. It never felt like this with Yeri or with anyone else Changkyun’s ever been with and that’s what makes everything worth it.

Changkyun is tired and exhausted and it’s taken so much to get here but he thinks this is what happy feels like: Kihyun touching his hand just because he can now. Kihyun in the half dark on Changkyun’s bed looking like he’s finally somewhere safe. Kihyun returning Changkyun’s gaze with his raw charisma that’s there even when he’s being so gentle.

Changkyun isn’t sure if it’s the sleep deprivation or adrenaline wearing off, but he’s delirious with it, this spark inside him that flares whenever Kihyun looks at him. His head feels like it’s filled with cotton and if he doesn’t sleep soon he’ll crash at work, but if he closes his eyes Kihyun might vanish.

Maybe Kihyun’s been a dream all along. Too good to be true and too hard to catch. Impossible to hold on to.

‘Stop overthinking,’ Kihyun says and pulls Changkyun down. ‘You look tired.’

 ‘Are you going to be here when I wake up again?’

‘Do you want me to be?’

‘Is that even a question?’

Kihyun smiles and scoots closer, fits himself against Changkyun’s side like he belongs there. He does. Changkyun doesn’t let go of his hand.

‘I’ll stay,’ Kihyun says quietly. It sounds a little bit like he’s trying to convince himself but that’s okay. Changkyun can’t expect miracles from someone who’s used to pushing people away. No one ever tried hard enough to get over Kihyun’s walls and Changkyun knows it won’t always be this easy.

But there’s time.

 

And it does take time. Forgiveness takes time. Trust is a glass bird that requires gentle hands and constant attention.

Changkyun tries. Tries to never disappoint. It’s hard and it’s exhausting sometimes but it’s worth it every time Changkyun wakes up with Kihyun still next to him. It’s kind of incredible and it never feels quite real.

Changkyun’s not sure what he thought a relationship with Kihyun would be like. He kind of didn’t think that far. He thought it would work itself out, probably, the way he had with Yeri, which obviously wasn’t the best approach.

But it’s this: Changkyun wakes up alone a lot. Kihyun never remembers to leave notes or to tell him where he’s going. Once, they go to Kihyun’s house where they find a leak in the roof and it takes Changkyun all day to convince Kihyun to stay with him for a while.

It takes a week until Kihyun accepts Changkyun’s old iPhone and when he does, he almost never uses it.

There are things Kihyun never talks about. His parents, for example. His education. The only thing Changkyun knows is that Kihyun never graduated anywhere. Kihyun also won’t tell Changkyun when his birthday is and then Changkyun asks him if he even knows it himself.

Kihyun goes completely still before he turns away and shakes his head. He looks ashamed and it breaks Changkyun heart a little. He wants to touch him, tell him it’s alright, but it would be the wrong thing.

Instead he says, ‘Maybe you could just pick a date and I’ll throw you a birthday party if you want one.’

Kihyun turns, eyes big, and kisses him until his mouth is sore.

It’s not easy. Kihyun is flighty and unsure and sometimes Changkyun doesn’t get his words right.

But even though it’s not easy, it’s all Changkyun needs to be happy.

Happy, not just content. He feels the difference in every aspect of his life and slowly, he sees it in Kihyun, too.

Kihyun, who laughs more. Who learns that he can have nice things. Who sings in the shower and in the car and whenever he’s prompted to.

He doesn’t allow Changkyun to pay for anything else than rehab but Jooheon finds him another job that involves singing. Changkyun can practically watch Kihyun grow confident in his role as vocal coach and even though it pays badly because Kihyun has no official education, Changkyun thinks it’s what’s most rewarding to him.

It’s nice. Even if everything else is hard, being with Kihyun now is easy. After the first month, Kihyun starts to relax and settle down, lets Changkyun do more things without this _I have to pay you back_ attitude. Sometimes he does nice things for Changkyun, too, just because he wants to.

Changkyun is learning how to build a relationship on trust and mutual understanding, but Kihyun – Kihyun is learning everything. He’s learning that some of the best things in life come for free. That he’s entitled to a safe life just like everyone else. That he doesn’t have to do everything alone or protect himself from others.

Changkyun’s always loved Kihyun, even when he was closed-up and enigmatic, but this – this is the real deal. This is Kihyun without walls and Changkyun’s surprised to see how much he cares about everything. How funny and bossy and playful he can be when he gets comfortable.

Changkyun thinks the real privilege isn’t his money or his job or his social position. It’s seeing Kihyun the way he is for no one else: bare, honest, just himself.

 

And then Kihyun’s mother dies.

Changkyun never officially met her and he’s not sure what relationship Kihyun had to her because when he tells Changkyun about it, he’s completely emotionless.

Really, the first thing Kihyun says is, ‘I don’t need your money anymore,’ and when Changkyun gives him a questioning look he says she didn’t survive withdrawal.

‘Are you okay?’ Changkyun asks carefully.

Kihyun shrugs. ‘I don’t really care. It’s almost a relief, you know.’

‘But she was your mum.’ Changkyun gently takes Kihyun’s hands and something in Kihyun’s nonchalant expression fractures.

‘I didn’t know funerals were so expensive,’ Kihyun says. ‘Or that they would involve so many decisions.’

‘I can help if you want me to.’

‘I’ll manage.’

‘You don’t have to do it by yourself.’

Kihyun sighs. ‘You can help with the organisation.’

So Changkyun does and Kihyun lets him but something is off. Kihyun doesn’t seem to grieve much or he doesn’t show it and there’s almost no one at the wake. Kihyun treats it like a business appointment.

Changkyun doesn’t think it’s a healthy coping mechanism but Kihyun shuts him down whenever he tries to talk and it feels like such a huge step back. Kihyun grows more distant, apathetic, almost untouchable even for Changkyun and Changkyun doesn’t know what to do. Should he wait until Kihyun gets over it? Or should he confront him? Distract him?

So he does nothing. Just waits. And eventually Kihyun thaws when they’re sitting in a café and says, ‘As much as I hate my past, it’s still hard to let go of it.’

‘That’s natural,’ Changkyun says softly. ‘It’s a part of you.’

‘She wouldn’t have liked you, you know?’ Kihyun says. It’s the first time that he really talks about his mother and Changkyun goes still. ‘She would have thought you were one of those rich snobs and she would have hated you for it.’

‘Would you have cared?’

‘No. It’s weird. I have nothing to be grateful for but I still regret not being a better son.’

‘Family is family.’

‘I don’t have family anymore.’ Kihyun is looking everywhere but at Changkyun now and Changkyun just wants to hug him. ‘Everyone’s either dead or a stranger.’

‘But you have friends that are like family to you. And you have me.’

Kihyun nods. He looks a little fragile right now and Changkyun says it before he can think about. ‘Would you like to meet my family?’

Now Kihyun is looking at him, eyes narrowed. ‘Do they know what happened with Yeri?’

‘Yeah.’

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. ‘That sounds like a terrible idea.’

‘It probably is but they already hate me. I mean, we don’t have to go if you don’t want to, obviously, I just – maybe it would distract you.’

‘What if they hate me?’

‘I wouldn’t care. Would you?’

‘No.’

‘You’re too lovely to be kept a secret.’

‘Shut up.’

But Kihyun smiles a little and kicks Changkyun’s feet under the table. Changkyun knows it’s a yes and he has no clue why he asked. His mum’s just barely forgiven him for cheating and bringing Kihyun into her house might actually be too much for her – maybe she’ll disown him. Or beat him with a stick.

‘You’re scared,’ Kihyun comments. ‘You don’t have to do this.’

‘I shouldn’t hide you away forever,’ Changkyun says.

‘What, because I’m such a joy to be around?’

This time it’s Changkyun who smiles. ‘Exactly.’

 

‘I don’t know if this was a good idea,’ Kihyun says. He looks absolutely stunning where he’s sitting next to Changkyun, wearing a simple grey suit. His hair is straight and parted, his eyes sharp and alive with the lights reflected in them.

Changkyun is so in love with him it’s embarrassing.

‘Stop staring,’ Kihyun hisses. ‘I’m serious.’

They are in a restaurant of Changkyun’s choice, meaning it’s one of the better ones in Seoul, and they are waiting for his parents to show up. Changkyun figured neutral territory would make it easier but he’s not so sure now. If Kihyun weren’t here looking like the best distraction he’d be freaking out completely.

‘You just look really good,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun snorts. ‘Nervous?’

‘Very. But – oh my God.’

Changkyun’s mum is wearing a red dress, the same dress she wore to the latest family reunion when she’d wanted to impress her sister. His father, who is nowhere in sight, calls it the Revenge Dress. Changkyun swallows.

‘Hello, honey,’ she says deliberately. Changkyun gets up to kiss her cheek and Kihyun hesitates a little.

‘Mum, this is Kihyun. Kihyun, this is my mother.’

It’s awkward. His mum won’t stop eyeing Kihyun like he personally offended her.

‘Where’s dad?’ Changkyun asks.

‘He didn’t want to come,’ his mum says flatly. ‘He didn’t think he could keep his temper.’

Changkyun’s heart sinks a little, even though he had time to prepare himself for this.

A waiter comes, takes their drink orders, vanishes again. Changkyun feels Kihyun’s nervousness radiating off of him and he isn’t faring any better himself.

‘So, Kihyun,’ Changkyun’s mother says. ‘You’re the one who made Changkyun a disgrace, am I correct?’

‘That’s one way to phrase it, I guess,’ Kihyun replies. His voice doesn’t show any of what he must be feeling.

‘Don’t be rude to him, mum,’ Changkyun says. ‘He’s a lovely person.’

Both his mum and Kihyun snort at the same time and the awkwardness intensifies.

‘Sure he is. I just don’t understand,’ his mum says. ‘You had everything and then you throw it away…’

‘I wasn’t happy.’

‘And you’re happy now?’

‘ _Yes_.’

His mother looks sceptical. ‘For now maybe.’

Kihyun was right, this wasn’t a good idea. But at least Changkyun tried. It hurts and he’ll think about this forever, but he’s not going to let Kihyun go just because his parents don’t approve. There are priorities now. He’s screwed up enough.

‘Excuse me,’ Kihyun says quietly and gets up. Changkyun watches him leave in the direction of the restrooms and kind of wants to follow, just so he won’t have to be alone with his mother. It’s childish, he knows, but she makes him feel so small.

‘I don’t care whether you like him or not,’ Changkyun starts before she can say anything. ‘I won’t leave him. He’s gone through so much, he doesn’t need you to be rude to his face. You can say it to me instead. I don’t care. He’s the best person I have ever met in my life and I love him and there’s nothing you can say to change my mind.’

‘You’re old enough to make your own choices and live with the consequences,’ she replies. ‘And I’ll always be your mother who loves you. But don’t bring him into my house. Don’t let your father see him. I don’t know why you couldn’t just be content with the things you had –’

‘When will you understand that being happy –’

‘Don’t interrupt me! Sometimes what brings you happiness isn’t the smart choice.’

Changkyun gapes at her. ‘How can it _not_ be?’

‘Oh, you’re so naïve, Changkyun. This isn’t going to last.’

‘How would you know?’

‘Don’t be childish.’

‘You’re not even giving him a chance.’

‘Should I? I don’t know. It’s your life. I guess I’m trying to warn you before he runs off with your money.’

‘He would never – you don’t know _anything_.’

They both spot Kihyun weaving his way through the tables and shut up. Changkyun tries to calm his breathing while the waiter shows up with the drinks. The evening has barely started and it’s already a disaster. He can’t remember why he wanted to do this. To show Kihyun that he doesn’t care about others’ opinions, maybe. Or maybe – maybe a part of him wanted validation, wanted his mother to see that Kihyun was always the right choice.

But it’s so stupid. Changkyun doesn’t need anyone else to confirm it.

Kihyun takes Changkyun’s hand under the table. His skin is hot and sweaty but it’s a familiar touch by now and it eases Changkyun a little bit. It doesn’t matter what his mother thinks, he reminds himself. It won’t ever matter.

‘Do your parents know how you two got to know each other, Kihyun?’ Changkyun’s mother asks.

‘No,’ Kihyun says coolly. ‘I don’t know my father and my mother’s dead.’

He holds Changkyun’s hand tighter. Changkyun wants to leave and take him somewhere where nothing can hurt him.

‘I think I should go,’ Changkyun’s mother says. ‘I’m sorry, Changkyun, I tried, but I just don’t – I wasn’t ready for this –’

She gets up and Changkyun doesn’t try to stop her. Kihyun lets go of his hand and looks down at the table, folding his fingers around his wine glass.

‘If you want to break up now,’ he says softly, ‘I’d understand.’

‘There’s literally nothing I want to do less,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun looks up at him and there’s something like hope on his face and something like disbelief.

‘Come on,’ Changkyun says and holds out his hand. ‘Let’s go home.’

 

Kihyun doesn’t touch Changkyun until the door falls closed behind them and then Changkyun finds himself pressed against a wall, one of Kihyun’s hands on his hipbone while the other is unbuttoning his shirt. Kihyun is always so much quicker with undressing, so much more practiced than Changkyun, who still stumbles over his own feet and fumbles with the belt for too long.

But Kihyun always knows what to do. He’s so good at this. So good. He presses open-mouthed kisses along Changkyun’s jugular and Changkyun tangles his fingers in his hair to keep him this close.

‘Sorry she doesn’t like me,’ Kihyun breathes against Changkyun’s skin.

‘Oh my God,’ Changkyun says. ‘Please don’t talk about my mother now.’

Kihyun grins and pulls back to get rid of his own shirt and he looks a lot like he did the first time Changkyun’s seen him: irresistible, beautiful, a wish brought to reality.

Except this time Kihyun doesn’t have that emptiness behind his eyes anymore and Changkyun doesn’t have to regret wanting him.

Kihyun doesn't come close again, just leaves Changkyun standing in the entrance way as he walks away. ‘Are you going to follow me or not?’

Of course Changkyun does. Like there was ever another option. He feels high on feelings now when he finds Kihyun in the bedroom and lets him push him onto the mattress.

They are both still wearing slacks but Kihyun doesn’t give Changkyun time to take them off, just crawls over him and kisses down his chest, hot and wet and amazing. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that this whole thing started with a shot glass in a club and sometimes, sometimes it really isn’t. Kihyun still looks like temptation personified and Changkyun knows he’s proud of it. Changkyun is already so worked up and nothing’s even happened yet.

‘You’re so good to me, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says quietly. ‘Let me be good to you.’

Then he pulls Changkyun’s pants off, licks over the sensitive skin on his inner thigh and Changkyun forgets all words, like it’s always been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol what even is pacing
> 
> Guys this is basically the end. Thank you so much for liking my weird characterisation and leaving comments and everything! <3
> 
> Also: we finally hit a 100 kudos!! thanks for that too!
> 
> The next chapter will be a little shorter because it's a bonus thingy, but thank you so much for reading. I don't like writing endings and I really hope this was satisfying, so please let me know what you think!! 
> 
>  
> 
> [full playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTj3m1NsTVtipdDvWYocN86AtOiHBvyhC)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the somewhat disappointing last chapter, I hope this makes up for it. It's a pov change and prepare yourself for some fluff~

Kihyun never thought of himself as a content person. He never thought he’d get the chance to be one, but then he met Changkyun.

And Changkyun, for reasons unbeknownst to Kihyun, stayed. Fought to stay, even.

Sometimes Kihyun still thinks one day Changkyun is going to wake up and realise this isn’t what he wants but with every day that passes, every day that Changkyun takes his hand, that thought fades a little more.

It feels so good. Even if he tried, Kihyun couldn’t leave this behind.

Not when he gets to see Changkyun walk into the kitchen, hair a mess and face puffy, gets to watch him make coffee and then kiss Kihyun wherever he can reach. It’s the first thing he does every morning that Kihyun is there. The first thing he does whenever he sees Kihyun anywhere, really. It seems so easy to him, too, so natural, like Kihyun doesn’t still jump whenever he hugs him from behind.

Kihyun really thought he’d never get to have this. He thought he’d work himself to the bone until he couldn’t do it anymore and then he’d die a sad death that no one would care about. He thought he’d never get to hang out on the couch all day with someone next to him who’s memorised all of Kihyun’s favourite things.

But that’s today. Time trickles lazily past them and the sun shines in through the window, warms Kihyun’s skin just a little, and he is content. He’s happy. Changkyun is half draped over him and he’s not paying attention to whatever is on TV but Kihyun isn’t, either, because there’s something unspoken in the air. Changkyun’s been fidgeting with his sleeves for a while and that slight tension is the only thing bothering this perfect day.

‘I have something to ask you,’ Changkyun says finally.

‘Okay.’

Changkyun hesitates. He looks scared. His face is hard to read most of the time and Kihyun is pretty sure he isn’t aware of that, but Kihyun has seen this expression a lot. He feels a little guilty for scaring Changkyun so often but he’s been scared, too. Still is, sometimes. Kihyun wonders if that feeling will ever really go away.

‘Spit it out,’ he prompts.

Changkyun bites his bottom lip and sighs. ‘I – I think you should move in with me. Permanently, I mean. If you want. You – I bought this place, so you don’t have to pay rent and you’re here all the time anyway, but like, if you insist on paying we can move to a smaller space and – all these floors are annoying to clean anyway, and I thought maybe you’d… you could sell the house. I know you hate it. It’s – I’m just saying I want you here. I want you close like, _always_. But if you think it’s too soon or if you don’t want to, you don’t have to say yes, I mean… I just thought that would be nice –’

‘But I love this place,’ Kihyun says. It’s true. It was intimidating at first and sometimes he still feels out of place but it’s so beautiful. Full of open spaces and bright spots and natural light. Full of Changkyun.

‘Um. So…?’

It shouldn’t still be this hard to say yes, Kihyun thinks. He could take half of Changkyun’s savings and Changkyun wouldn’t even notice. It would make sense to stay for anyone and keeping his mother’s house is more of a liability than anything else, so really, there’s only one answer.

But.

But having his own place gives Kihyun freedom. It gives him an escape route, just in case.

Doubt is like an ugly weed that you can never kill, that grows over all the more beautiful flowers and hogs all the attention. Every day Kihyun has to hack it down but it always comes back. It never leaves. Maybe it never will.

It hasn’t been that long with Changkyun, either. Changkyun’s really brave for asking this if Kihyun thinks about it. And maybe, just maybe, one day the doubt will be smaller, small enough to accept these things without even thinking of escape routes.

Kihyun knows Changkyun’s wondering whether he’s said the wrong thing the longer Kihyun stays silent. He should say something now. Changkyun looks so hopeful, his body warm against Kihyun’s side and his eyes shiny. 

Changkyun, who has never made Kihyun feel small. Who would give up this lovely apartment with all its expensive furniture just to live somewhere with Kihyun instead.

Changkyun, who changed so much from the desperate man he had met at the club. Still desperate, but a different kind now.

Just desperate for Kihyun.

Kihyun takes a deep breath, ignores the way his chest aches, and says, ‘Okay.’

Changkyun blinks. He is so sweet. Always wants to share everything. Always ready to be disappointed and so surprised when he isn’t. Always makes sure Kihyun knows he’s important.

Kihyun wishes it was easier to say back.

‘You’re saying yes?’ Changkyun asks.

‘It feels good to be wanted by someone who can have everything,’ Kihyun says quietly. It’s hard, most times, but it’s true and sometimes Changkyun needs to hear it. Because a part of Kihyun has learnt to believe that Changkyun would never hurt him. It might be naïve after everything that happened and it might come back to bite him in the ass some time but right now it just feels freeing. It feels good. Kihyun’s heart is racing but for once it’s not from fear.

Changkyun smiles and doesn’t stop. ‘I don’t need everything –’

‘Don’t say it.’

‘– I just need you.’

‘Ugh.’

But then Changkyun is laughing and Kihyun is laughing and they are both shaking with it.

Changkyun buries his face in Kihyun’s shirt and lets out a short squeal of sorts. ‘I really thought you’d say no.’

‘I almost did.’

‘Why didn’t you?’

 _Be honest. Be honest_.

‘I don’t want to feel like this anymore,’ Kihyun says. ‘Doubtful. I trust you. I want to – I want to just be with you.’

Changkyun grins again and covers his mouth with his hands but Kihyun pulls them away from his face to kiss him. This is what happiness tastes like: Changkyun’s laughter huffed against his lips.

Kihyun never wants this to stop.

 

To say he never thinks of running away would be a lie. Because Kihyun thinks about it a lot, especially after moving in. He thinks about leaving before Changkyun can leave him, before Changkyun can find someone better, someone who can appreciate everything Changkyun does and who doesn’t come with so much baggage. He thinks about it when Changkyun’s passed out on the couch or at work and it would be so easy to slip away and out of his life.

Except it wouldn’t be.

Because Kihyun would miss everything about him and he doesn’t think he’d ever get another shot at feeling this good. Someone like Kihyun doesn’t get a lot of chances in the first place.

So whenever Kihyun feels this urge to escape he wakes Changkyun or calls him and tries to say what he’s feeling. Tries to recall why he stayed this long in the first place.

And it’s fine. In the end it’s always okay. Kihyun has nightmares but sometimes Changkyun has them, too, and Kihyun realises there’s not a single person on this planet who lives an easy life. No matter how rich or poor. Life is difficult for everyone at times and just because Kihyun’s had it difficult _always_ doesn’t mean he can disregard Changkyun’s struggles.

Changkyun, who tries so hard to do everything right. Who looks at Kihyun with that gentle expression that makes him both flustered and giddy. Who makes him feel like his past doesn’t matter here.

Maybe it doesn’t.

‘Your thoughts are so loud,’ Changkyun says now. ‘What are you worried about?’

Changkyun always says Kihyun worries too much, like he doesn’t overthink everything himself. Kihyun wants to tell him that he’s just thinking of all the things he appreciates but the words make his chest feel so tight and he can’t say it. He can’t say it. He wishes it was easier but maybe, some day, it will be. One day Kihyun will tell Changkyun that he loves him and everything else will be easy.

Kihyun has never said that before, to anyone, because it never felt true. But it does now and Changkyun – Changkyun deserves to know. And words are important, Kihyun’s learnt, when you want a relationship to work.

‘I’m not worrying,’ Kihyun says. ‘Just thinking.’

‘What are you thinking about, then?’ Changkyun reaches over the gearstick and runs his hand over Kihyun’s thigh. Not in a sexy way, just comforting. Just a touch that says _I care about you_. Kihyun doesn’t know how Changkyun does it. Whenever he tries to do the same it turns into an invitation for more.

They are on the way to visit Changkyun’s parents who have invited them to dinner. To apologise, Changkyun had said with a hopeful glint in his eyes. To make things right.

It can’t get much worse than it already was, Kihyun figures, but he knows Changkyun’s nervous.

‘If you want to say something, do it before we get out,’ Changkyun says and pulls into a driveway. ‘I’m not sure if we’ll get a quiet moment in there.’

Kihyun shrugs. ‘I’m just thinking.’

He just can’t find the words.

 

Changkyun’s father is intimidating and smart and curious about everything. He’s a scientist and away a lot. Mrs Lim tells him not to give Kihyun such a hard time but Kihyun kind of appreciates the honesty in his distrust. It means he sees Kihyun as someone to be reckoned with, someone _worthy_ of his wariness, and that’s good enough.

Changkyun’s mother tries harder.

‘I’m so sorry for what I did to you,’ she tells Kihyun, pulling him into the kitchen and away from the safety of Changkyun’s presence. ‘Everything was still very… fresh, you see. I apologise if I hurt your feelings.’

‘It’s fine,’ Kihyun dismisses, even though he’s not sure it is. He doesn’t really care. In an hour he’ll be out of here and Changkyun will be elated with how well it went and that will be what makes this worth it.

‘I do mean it,’ Mrs Lim says and she looks a little emotional now. ‘Changkyun told me you lost your mother not too long ago and that you went through a lot and I – I want you to feel comfortable with me. If you ever – need someone to talk to. Someone experienced.’

Kihyun stops breathing. Her drastic change from hostility to kindness is like a punch to his sternum and she must notice it doesn’t make sense. ‘I know this sounds weird to you but I felt so guilty after I left and Changkyun – he really cares about you. I should trust him and – and forgive him.’

It’s funny, Kihyun thinks, how it all comes down to those things: guilt and trust and forgiveness. Kihyun’s so sick of it. 

‘Thank you,’ he says eventually. ‘I appreciate that.’ Then he goes back to the living room and holds Changkyun’s hand until breathing is easy again.

 

‘It really wasn’t so bad,’ Kihyun says, panting already. It might have been embarrassing if Changkyun wasn’t in a worse state, looking like a wreck even though Kihyun hasn’t done anything but undress him.

Kihyun loves that, the effect he seems to have on Changkyun, how willing Changkyun is to give Kihyun control. Kihyun always thought he should be the one submitting, just because it’s better to give power away than to have it taken from him, but Changkyun would never do that.

And Changkyun really likes to be at Kihyun’s mercy sometimes, it seems.

‘You were really quiet all day. I was worried,’ Changkyun says. His stomach muscles jump under Kihyun’s touch and Kihyun smiles.

‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘God, I could look at you forever.’

‘That would be boring. How about I blindfold you instead?’

Changkyun’s breath catches. ‘Fuck, Kihyun.’

‘Be a good boy and don’t touch yourself.’

Changkyun whines and Kihyun can’t stop himself from grinning. He isn’t doing anything, just talking and littering Changkyun’s body with the lightest touches, but Changkyun is such a mess already. Kihyun could do whatever he wants and Changkyun would let him. He could make Changkyun beg so easily. Could make him cry if he tried.

But he won’t tease. Not for much longer, anyway. Kihyun’s too impatient today, needs Changkyun the way Changkyun needs him, so he leans down and kisses him for the first time since they’ve come home. Changkyun’s hands come up to pull him closer and Kihyun’s chest feels full.

This is his life now and it’s been months but he can’t get used to it. Seeing Changkyun like this – worked up, flushed, so _pliable_ – is normal, has always been normal since everything started but anything else is still overwhelmingly new. The way Changkyun looks at him, like he’s something precious, something lovely. The way Kihyun’s heart jumps whenever Changkyun does something stupidly adorable, even if it’s trying to take a selfie with his feet. It’s just so much and Kihyun’s chest is _so full_ with it and the way Changkyun’s kissing him makes everything worse and better and Kihyun – Kihyun wants to keep this. Wants to be selfish and keep Changkyun to himself.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun murmurs against his lips. ‘You’re crying.’

‘What?’ Kihyun pulls away and Changkyun’s frowning, touching Kihyun’s cheeks with his fingertips.

‘You’re crying. Is everything okay? Do you want to stop?’

‘No, no, I just – don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me.’

‘Wh- I won’t. I _won’t_.’ Changkyun kisses the salt off his skin, hands brushing along his jaw like Kihyun might break. ‘I could never.’

Changkyun’s got really good at talking Kihyun down. It used to happen a lot: the panic attacks, the reflex to run and never come back, the irrational assumption that Changkyun’s going to take advantage of him.

Kihyun’s better now but old habits die hard. Some don’t die at all.

‘I swear I’m not a cry baby,’ Kihyun says. ‘Life’s just…’

‘I know. Do you want to stop?’

‘No.’

‘I love you so much,’ Changkyun whispers, runs his fingers through Kihyun’s hair and then over his shoulder blades. ‘You can tell me if anything’s too much for you.’

Kihyun doesn’t deserve him. Changkyun used to be made of mistakes just like him, or that’s what he’d thought anyway. Changkyun used to be just another guy who needed an escape from his limiting life and Kihyun was there to make him forget about it for one night.

People never stay, _Kihyun_ never stays, but Changkyun did. Changkyun’s here. So Kihyun kisses him again, more insistently this time, until Changkyun gently pushes him away.

‘Let’s stop,’ he says quietly. ‘Tell me what’s wrong. Is it something my mum said?’

‘No, I’m just being a downer. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’

But it really isn’t. Changkyun’s been so patient with Kihyun and all Kihyun does is take more. Takes and takes and never gives back because he doesn’t know how.

‘You always do so much for me,’ Kihyun says and settles down next to Changkyun. His skin is still flushed and hot to the touch but Kihyun needs to be close. ‘More than, than I could ever do.’

‘You’re here, aren’t you? That’s the only thing I’ve asked for. Everything else is stuff we’re still figuring out and you’re doing so well.’

‘And that’s good enough for you?’

Changkyun rolls to his side to look at him. ‘Kihyun, you’ll _always_ be good enough just the way you are.’

Kihyun closes his eyes and lets Changkyun kiss his cheeks, his chin, his forehead. Lets Changkyun whisper words into his ears that Kihyun will never deserve.

One day, he thinks. One day this will be easy, too.

 

Life is strange. It’s Changkyun’s ice cream dripping all over his hands because he never looks away from Kihyun when Kihyun’s singing along to the busker at the street corner. It’s packing his bags in the middle of the night in hazy panic until Changkyun wakes up and rubs his shoulders until he can think again.

Life is strange and Kihyun’s starting to think he’ll never be able to settle down. It’s been so long already and he still – he’s still waiting for something to happen. Maybe for Changkyun to fall out of love.

Kihyun feels like he’s back at the beginning, ready to push everyone away before they can touch him, before he lets himself care, except it’s already too late. And of course Changkyun notices something is wrong, knows Kihyun is back in that hole, and tries all the harder.

But kindness doesn’t feel like kindness when you don’t deserve it. It just feels terrible.

 

The line of Changkyun’s shoulders is tense and he hasn’t said anything but ‘hi’ since Kihyun came home from work three minutes ago.

‘Changkyun?’ Kihyun says apprehensively and joins him where he’s sitting at the table. There are papers spread all over the table top, too many numbers and too many letters to make any sense to Kihyun. ‘What’s up?’

Changkyun looks up like he’s just now noticing Kihyun but he still looks like his mind is somewhere else. ‘Nothing.’

‘Don’t lie.’

‘Work has been tough lately,’ Changkyun admits. ‘For some reason things don’t go right, I keep making mistakes…’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I did,’ Changkyun says, a little impatient. ‘A bit. But you – we’re always preoccupied with other things and I can’t just unload all my problems on you because –‘ Changkyun bites his lip. ‘Never mind.’

‘You think I can’t take it.’

‘I think you have other things to worry about.’

‘Didn’t we agree to always be honest and shit?’

Changkyun sighs. ‘I _was_. You just didn’t listen. And it’s _fine_ , I get it, you know now.’

‘I just – I could have helped you.’

‘Could you, though?’

Kihyun presses his lips together, tries to get his temper back under control. Because Changkyun’s right. Kihyun doesn’t know how to comfort people if it isn’t through sex. He doesn’t know what to do when Changkyun’s sad. ‘I would have tried. I can try now.’

‘Don’t,’ Changkyun says. ‘Just – just leave me alone.’

‘I know I’m not – not the best boyfriend. I know I’m testing your patience a lot and I’m sorry, but I’m trying, okay, I want to try –‘

Changkyun throws his hands up. He looks so stressed, Kihyun realises, skin taut and eyes tired. ‘Believe it or not, but this isn’t about you for once. I just want some goddamn peace and quiet for _five_ minutes, if that isn’t too much to ask.’

Kihyun takes a step back. ‘Oh.’

‘Come _on_ , Kihyun. I’m not angry at you, I just need to –‘

‘Do you want me to go?’

‘What?’

‘Because – because I can, I’ll just go and…’

‘Ugh, Kihyun –‘

‘I’ll give you some space.’

Changkyun calls something after him but Kihyun’s already out the door. He doesn’t know where he’s going or why he’s running but he keeps going until his lungs are on fire.

Maybe Kihyun can’t have nice things. Maybe he just wasn’t made to be happy. Maybe Changkyun doesn’t want him back if he’s like this, full of doubts and shadows and conflicts like he hasn’t learnt a thing during the last few months. Kihyun doesn’t want to but he thinks of Changkyun finally pushing him away, what it would feel like. Thinks of being left alone again, of being stranded with nowhere to go because he sold his emergency plan for a pipe dream future.

He keeps running.

 

‘It’s been seven months, you know,’ Wonho says. ‘You and Changkyun.’

‘You’ve been counting?’ Kihyun asks.

‘You haven’t?’

He has.

‘I’m just saying it’s been a while.’ Wonho pauses to throw his gum away. They’re walking around the less known parts of Seoul like they used to when they were kids. Kids who believed that someday they would be someone. And Wonho had made it, changed his name to make it feel true, and told Kihyun to never give up. He’d been there when Kihyun had tried to end everything, had been the one to make sure Kihyun got to the hospital on time. He’s family in every way except blood and he knows Kihyun in ways he never wanted anyone to know him, before Changkyun.

‘Fights are bound to happen,’ Wonho continues.  ‘It’s normal and it’s not the end of the world and I’m pretty sure it’s not half as bad as you think it is.’

Of course Wonho’s right. Kihyun’s fight or flight response is just still so engraved in his head that it’s difficult to tell what’s real and what isn’t.

‘What if I never stop feeling like this?’ Kihyun asks. ‘At first it was great to have all these nice things, it felt like, like a vacation or something, but now it’s just hard to accept and I just – I know Changkyun will doubt this at some point and I don’t want him to but I don’t – I don’t know.’

‘I think you just need to get through this slump. Changkyun loves you, a blind person can see that, and he’s loved you through everything, so I don’t think you need to worry. One day you’ll be sure enough about yourself to deal with it.’

‘But what if –‘

‘Kihyun. Do you love Changkyun?’

Kihyun shuts up. Nods.

‘It’s that easy,’ Wonho says and bumps into Kihyun’s shoulder. ‘He loves you and you love him and that’s all that matters.’

It’s similar to what Changkyun’s said to him: it costs nothing to love someone. Except it costs everything. It _could_ cost everything. Nothing in this world comes for free and Kihyun isn’t rich.

‘You’re thinking about leaving, aren’t you?’ Wonho asks quietly.

‘He deserves someone who can take care of him. Who’s better for him.’

‘But he wants _you_. Don’t screw your own life over just because you think you’re not enough. Not when you finally got what you deserve.’

‘But I –‘

‘ _No_! Don’t you dare say it. You’ve been through so much shit and people – people have been _terrible_ to you and I had to sit there and watch you get hurt over and over again and now there’s finally someone who treats you right and you want to ditch him? Nothing in this world is fair, you out of all people should know that, so just take it. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s _you_.’

Kihyun feels his chin wobble. Wonho is so fierce sometimes. He looks like he could snap bones with his little finger but most of all, he’s a good person. The best person Kihyun knows. ‘I don’t want to ditch him.’

‘Then why are you _thinking_ about it?’

Because that used to be the easy solution. _Leave them before they can hurt you_. Except it’s not easy anymore and it would hurt like hell.

‘Come here,’ Wonho says and pulls Kihyun against his chest. ‘You little freak. Just go back home and listen to Changkyun.’

Kihyun closes his eyes. Sweet Changkyun, stressed Changkyun. Changkyun, who could have everyone but somehow just wants Kihyun.

 

Kihyun has six missed calls from Changkyun before he finally picks up.

‘Where _are_ you?’ Changkyun asks immediately. He’s angry, Kihyun notes. His voice is cold in ways it only gets when something’s gone terribly wrong. Changkyun’s never really been angry at Kihyun but Kihyun figures it was a matter of time until he snapped.

‘In front of Wonho’s bar,’ Kihyun replies.

Changkyun swears softly on the other side. ‘Stay where you are. I’m picking you up.’

Then he hangs up and Kihyun has nothing to do but wait.

 

Changkyun looks even more tense when he gets out of his car and strides over to where Kihyun’s standing.

‘Do you have _any_ idea of how scared I was?’ Changkyun snaps before Kihyun can even say hello. ‘You looked like you were leaving for good!’

‘I’m sorry,’ Kihyun says meekly.

‘God, I know this is hard for you, okay? And I, I’ve been trying to do the right thing and everything but I can’t fucking read minds. I mean, I try my best but you’re impossible to read sometimes and you have to talk to me, not – not run away when things get complicated. You're kind of super important to me, you know?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Kihyun repeats and he means it. ‘Lately it’s... it's been harder again, to just take everything like it’s for free and I didn’t know if I could come back tonight or if you wanted more space…’

Changkyun stares. ‘What? Of course you can come back. Kihyun, that’s your _home_. You live there, too! What the hell?’

‘I didn’t want to be a burden –‘

‘Okay,’ Changkyun says. ‘Wow. That’s enough. We’re going to sit down on this bench here and we’re going to tell each other everything. You can’t keep that headspace forever and it’s been _seven months_ and I’ll give you all the time you need, but you need to learn to accept that to get better.’

Changkyun takes Kihyun’s hand and Kihyun is almost startled by the touch. Changkyun drags him over to the closest bench where they sit down, but Changkyun doesn’t let go.

‘Come on,’ Changkyun prompts. ‘Tell me every single thing that worries you.’

So Kihyun does. He thinks of what Wonho said and guesses Changkyun should know. He tells him everything, even though it comes out stuttered and quiet and then again like a current. Changkyun listens until he’s done and then he tells Kihyun what worries him. Says he’s scared he’ll lose his job if he fucks up one more time and while he’s not worried about money, he’s worried about what it will do to him. Scared that he’ll wake up and Kihyun will be gone for good, too, that Kihyun will never feel comfortable with him no matter how hard he tries.

‘I’ll tell you every single day that you’re enough,’ Changkyun says. ‘But that won’t matter if you don’t say it to yourself, too.’

Kihyun pushes his tongue against his cheek, blinks up at the empty night sky. ‘So many people have treated me like I’m worthless. At some point you just start to believe them, you know? And now there’s you who keeps treating me like I’m so fucking precious and it’s – I don’t know why it came back. This feeling.’

‘Are you still happy with me, though? Because if, if you’re not, I mean, if you really don’t want this anymore I don’t want to… I just want you to be happy. Preferably with me, but if that doesn’t work for you – you need to _talk_ to me.’

‘Changkyun, I’m always happy with you. I mean, I love you. I’m just not happy with _myself_ and I thought you’d get tired of me eventually…’

‘You – what?’

They both stare at each other and Kihyun realises what he's just said. ‘Oh.’

Changkyun’s look melts into something incredibly soft. ‘You – I didn’t think you’d ever say that.’

Kihyun feels his face heat up and he looks away. It wasn’t that hard to say, after all. Maybe it’s not really that big of a deal. It’s just the truth.

There are careful fingertips on Kihyun’s jaw and he turns back to look at Changkyun.

‘I love you, too,’ Changkyun says breathily. ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I’ll convince you that you’re the loveliest person I’ve ever met until you're okay with it. But you have to talk to me. You have to tell me when things are starting to be more difficult for you and I, I’ll do the same. It’s a little hard for both of us right now but we can do it. We can do it.’

Changkyun always claims he’s not good with words but in moments like this, when it matters, he is. Kihyun doesn’t have anything left to say, so he just hugs Changkyun and kisses his nape. He doesn’t know why he’s still so scared of losing everything when Changkyun’s always so reassuring. He thought he’d get used to being vulnerable but it’s been this long and he still feels exposed.

‘Can you promise not to run away without talking to me first?’ Changkyun asks.

For him, Kihyun will try. ‘Okay.’

‘Let’s go home.’

So they do.

 

It gets easier before it gets harder and it’s up and down for a while, stop and go and stop again. Changkyun carefully suggests seeing a therapist over dinner (‘I would go with you.’) but Kihyun denies, so he comes home with a little dog one day instead. Changkyun’s so excited, tells Kihyun he read somewhere that pets can work like therapy, too, and Kihyun laughs and tells him he loves him again.

(Then Changkyun asks if they can call him Moon Moon and Kihyun punches his shoulder.)

 

Kihyun tries to focus on the things that are always easy: laughing about Changkyun’s stupid jokes, walking Moon Moon (he can’t believe he let that happen) when the weather’s nice, hanging out with Jooheon and Wonho who are friends now, too, making Changkyun feel good when he’s splayed out underneath Kihyun, so bare and vulnerable and keen.

There are things that are hard still – trusting Changkyun when he goes overseas for ten days because of work, accepting Changkyun’s money when his own just won’t cut it, feeling like he’s enough. Maybe those things will always be hard. But they don’t have to be impossible.

Changkyun always tells Kihyun he has a lifetime to figure this out and when Kihyun says that might not be enough, Changkyun smiles and says he could do forever, too.

Maybe it _will_ take forever. But maybe that will be okay because Changkyun will be there.

Changkyun who’s never made Kihyun feel unloved, even when they didn’t know each other, even when Kihyun thought he could shut him out.

But Changkyun wouldn't be Changkyun if he just gave up. He never does, no matter how difficult Kihyun's being. (And he's difficult a lot.) He just never gets tired of Kihyun and Kihyun thinks that in itself is a small miracle.

A miracle, just like this moment now: Changkyun kissing Kihyun's cheek like it's the only thing in the world that makes sense, saying, ‘I think I've always been looking for you.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok there was a bit of angst, I couldn't help myself 
> 
> But this is truly the end now, thank you sooo much for reading and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it!! ♥ 
> 
>  
> 
> (PS. As you might have noticed, this is part of a series now and you can blame yourselves because some of you told me they'd read more and I actually have ideas, so yeah~)

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to post this as a complete fic but I need validation to see if this is any good lol.  
> Also I want to express my respect for anyone who has the ability to write entertaining and enjoyable smut because that shit cost me like three years of my life and I barely even wrote any.
> 
> If you have any constructive criticism or found mistakes pls tell me in the comments, it would be greatly appreciated!
> 
> (Btw the title is based on the song by Jhameel which I was listening to on repeat when I wrote this. It's great. Check it out if you like.)
> 
> Thank you for reading and let me know what you think <3
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)


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